Category Archives: Divorce Talk Issues

Three Steps To Get Your Ex Back After A Breakup

If you have recently broken up with someone you might be wondering if there is a way for you to get them back. Breakups are very difficult to handle and can be devastating to both parties. It is natural for you to want to get back together with someone you care deeply about. This is especially true if you have been together for a while.

It is entirely possible for you to get your ex back. As a matter of fact, it happens a lot more than you think. Most relationships can be fixed and most marriages can be saved. The key is to approach it in the right way and take the right steps.

After a breakup it is normal for you to feel lonely, lost, afraid and disoriented. Breaking up with someone is similar to losing a loved one. The feelings of separation are so strong you feel as if a death has occurred. But before you attempt to fix the relationship you must decide if it is worth saving, if it is really what you want.

Just feeling lonely and lost are not good reasons for you to try to get back together with your ex. Emotions can sometimes hide the real causes behind the breakup. You should take the time to discover what caused the relationship to go south in the first place.

Here are three things you can do if you decide that you really do want to fix your relationship and get back with your ex.

Step One: Take some time to heal.

It is okay to take some time to be by yourself for a while. This will give your mind time to process all that has occurred and allow both you and your ex to calm down and allow the healing process to occur. Understand that you have been hurt and you need this time alone to let your wounds heal.

Many people don’t take the time to do this. After a breakup, they immediately run and jump into another relationship because they don’t want to be alone. Eventually, all they end up doing is taking all that unresolved emotional baggage from the previous relationship with them. Soon or later it will resurface and negatively affect the relationship they’re in now.

Step Two: Understand what went wrong.

This is a critical step and will naturally follow step one when you give yourself time to calm down and heal. There was a point in time when your relationship began to fall apart. There might have been red flags that you ignored that eventually caused things to go bad. It is usually the little things that occur over a long period of time that have the greatest impact on things.

Once you figure out what went wrong and how and when it occurred, you will be in a better position to figure out how to go about fixing it.

Step Three: Fools rush in.

If and when you do decide to try to get back with your ex, don’t rush things. Don’t expect things to immediately be the way they used to be. Things have changed. You and your ex have changed. Traumatic emotional experiences tend to do that to people. Feelings have been hurt. Trust has been destroyed. It will take a while to restore these things. Sometimes it will be like starting the relationship all over again. Don’t fight it. This could be a good thing. So take it slow and allow things to develop at their own pace.

Know Your Rights About Spousal Support

But before you re-watch The First Wives Club and begin your vengeful plotting, it may be a good idea to become informed as to the kind of benefits or spousal support to which you are entitled. Keep in mind that not all divorces or separations involve spousal support. In fact, current statistics state that only about 10 to 15 percent end with a spousal support judgment. The statistics change for child support, which is a different ballgame altogether. You might have thought it was the other way around, but not everyone is married to Lionel Richie.

Divorce laws vary by state, so you must first meet the residency requirements of the area in which you live. You must also have “grounds” (a legally acceptable reason) to end your marriage according to your state’s divorce laws. Once divorce papers are filed by one spouse and sent to the other, the receiving spouse, if they disagree, has the opportunity to file papers telling his/ her side. This is called “contesting the divorce.” Financial issues can often stall the process. However, property division and spousal support are sometimes settled out of court. Custody and child support may be decided as part of your divorce if not already handled in family court. For more information, check out the various websites listed below. So, what is Spousal Support?

Spousal Support is the payment or transfer of money (or assets) from one spouse to another after a divorce. You may be more familiar with the phrases “prenuptial agreement” (which may contain clauses to provide or exclude spousal support) “alimony,” or “permanent maintenance.” The laws associated with spousal support seek to prevent a divorced spouse from suffering due to a diminished standard of living. It is not unusual for one spouse to have been out of the workforce for such a significant amount of time that it would be difficult for him/ her to quickly attain a job or professional position in order to maintain his/ her standard of living after the divorce. There are other possible reasons for seeking spousal support and some are stated below. Your attorney can help you determine which, if any, apply to you. In general, The United States Supreme Court has held that both former husbands and wives are able to receive spousal support payments. It is no longer just a man seeking a way to “buy his way out of the marriage.” More information is available at


A prenuptial agreement is a written contract between two people who are about to marry, setting out the terms for retention of assets, treatment of future earnings, control of property, and division of the aforementioned should the marriage end. These agreements are fairly common if either or both parties have substantial assets, children from a prior marriage, potential inheritances, or high incomes. Sometimes people shy away from prenuptial agreements, but marriage itself is a legal contract. If you have considerable assets, protecting yourself with a prenuptial agreement may be highly beneficial. If you are getting divorced and have a prenuptial agreement, bring it to your attorney for a thorough review.

Temporary Maintenance vs. Permanent Maintenance

There are two main types of spousal support that can be received at the end of a divorce: temporary maintenance and permanent maintenance. Temporary maintenance is often dispersed to a recipient in the form of Alimony. This is money paid from one spouse to another for day-to-day support of the spouse who has fewer financial resources. Sometimes alimony also can be used to pay back a debt.

On the other hand, courts can award permanent spousal support to provide money for a spouse who cannot become economically independent and/or desires or requires maintaining a lifestyle that the court considers appropriate given the resources of the parties. Common reasons for ordering permanent maintenance include advanced age, chronic illness, or inherent inability of the recipient to have “earning power” comparable to that of the more prosperous spouse. Although this form of support is termed “permanent”, the level of support can change or cease depending on the changing circumstances of either the payer or the recipient. Spousal support generally ends if the recipient remarries and may also end if the recipient lives with someone else.

The new trend of Alimony

In the past, most alimony awards provided for payments to former wives by “breadwinning” former husbands. As the American culture has changed, today most marriages include two wage earners. Women are viewed as less dependent, and men are often more likely to be primary parents. The courts and spousal support awards have kept up with the times. The tradition of men paying and women receiving spousal support is slowly retreating, and orders of alimony payments from ex-wife to ex-husband are on the rise.

A major final issue…do you need a lawyer to procure your assets?

The law does not require you to have a lawyer, but, generally speaking, it is better to have one, if at all possible, during a divorce. A lawyer has far more expertise and legal knowledge regarding the issues of child custody, child support, financial support, and division of marital property. A good lawyer can help you protect your assets while investigating those of your spouse to ensure full disclosure.

That being said, hiring a divorce lawyer can get expensive. But like many things, you could end up paying more if you are not well advised, particularly if your situation is complex. For simpler circumstances, particularly if the divorce is going amicably, you might choose to use a divorce mediator instead to avoid escalating hostilities. You can find more information at as well as

Additional information

Disclaimer: Please note that I am not a lawyer and do not endorse the services of the websites and information I refer to in this article. I am NOT offering legal advice and provide these links and the material in this article for your information as a journalist ONLY.

The following links may provide helpful information about divorce and spousal support:



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4 Ways to Deal With a Breakup and Get Over it Fast

Breaking up is hard to do. It can be hard even if you are the initiator or if you are the one being dumped. Why are they so hard? First, if you are the one being dumped, the pain you feel can be enormous. Second, if you are the initiator, it’s the feeling of change that can be hard to deal with. Suddenly being alone can be difficult to deal with; leaving some to feel it will never end… the loneliness.

However, there is hope because there are ways to reduce the suffering you are feeling, allowing you to move on with life. So how can you get over a breakup? There are 4 steps to help you recover.

Step (1) Be Patient –

Have you ever heard the patience is a virtue? Well, when you are dealing with a breakup this is true. You should have patience with the feelings you have, your grief and the pain. If you want, scream, cry, pitch a fit, do what you must. However, don’t think for one minute those feelings will last. Have patience that it will pass. As time passes, you may realize that the pain, hurt and anger are gone. This allows you to face life without past baggage. In saying that, don’t rush right into a relationship after you discovered your pain has vanished. Instead, wait to find someone special and have patience that it will happen.

Step (2) Be Flexible –

Have you ever faced this scenario before: It’s a Monday and you’ve been asked by friends to go out on Friday evening? You plan all week for it and then Friday comes around, you just don’t feel like going out. Try to make plans flexible. If you can listen to what your emotions and body are telling you. Be patient in that when you are ready, you’ll get out more. A good exercise to help heal the pain is writing. Place all your emotions and feelings there.

Step (3) Give It Time –

Remember to give yourself time to get over your relationship. Some friends may tell you get out and go mingle. However, what’s actually best is to grief, cry, and be sad or angry. Feel these emotions to work through the moods. You should be out of the funk within two weeks. If it goes past that, talk with your physician about it. You could be suffering from depression. Try talking with someone who cares for you too. It helps too!

Step (4) Have Faith –

Remember that the feelings you have now do not last. You will smile again where you cry now. You’ll find someone who will make you forget your ex and make you wonder why you even cried over them in the first place. What do you need to have? Have a little faith, that is.

You know you have been hurt and NOW you need to Forget Your Ex and all those bad memories, painful experience of your ex once and for all by visiting get over your ex

Children And Divorce: Common Reactions And What To Say And Do

All children, no matter what their age or developmental stage will experience some effects of the divorce. Younger children may not be able to verbally express themselves but they are still impacted by these changes. Whereas, older children may have more understanding they may feel torn about the breakup of the family. This can be a very confusing time for children and adolescents. Below is some helpful information to help you and your child through this time in your lives.

Talking to Young Children (ages 4 to 8) – Common Reactions of Young Children

• Tantrums, crying or irritability

• Anger or aggression

• Negative behaviors or acting out

• Expressing fears of being alone, unloved, abandoned

• Clinging, need for parental attention

• Regressive behaviors (thumb sucking, “baby” talk, etc.)

• Blaming themselves for the divorce, parent leaving

• Withdrawal, emotional distance

• Fantasies about parents staying together, idealizing the other parent

• Disturbances in sleep

• Difficulty in school: difficulties with concentration, focus, staying on task.

What to Say and Do:

• Give verbal reassurance to young children.

• Give physical comfort.

• Give developmentally appropriate information about the divorce.

• Maintain consistent routines that are familiar to them.

• Discuss upcoming changes or schedules before they occur. Use a calendar to show in concrete ways what will happen.

• Give young children tangible items to provide them security.

• Read books or watch shows that address divorce.

Talking to Adolescents (ages 9 to 12) – Common Reactions of Adolescents

• Feelings of being hurt, lied to or betrayed.

• Anger or aggression.

• Feeling conflicted about loyalty to each parent, feeling “stuck in the middle.”

• Confusion about who they are and where they fit in

• Sense of shame about family situation.

• Negative behaviors, such as withdrawal, acting out, etc.

• Manipulative behavior, playing “games” with parents.

• Disturbances of sleep.

• Difficulties in school.

What to Say and Do

• Help children express and cope with grief, anger and other feelings of concern.

• Avoid placing the child in the middle of conflicts.

• Speak about positive aspects of the other parent.

• Avoid open criticism and support your child in maintaining a positive relationship with the other parent.

• Spend one-on-one time with your children to strengthen your relationship.

• Keep your child’s activities normal.

Talking to Teens (ages 13 to 18) – Common Reactions of Teens

• Feelings of anger and powerlessness about the divorce.

• May “grow up” more quickly, distance themselves emotionally from parents.

• Conflicted about loyalty to each parent.

• Sense of a loss of “home” or family security.

• Emotional withdrawal, depression, isolation.

• Self-destructive behaviors (drugs, alcohol, etc.).

• Increased sense of responsibility for their younger siblings.

• Questioning the permanency of relationships in general.

• Discomfort with parents’ new romantic relationships.

What to Say and Do

• Be honest with teens to avoid feelings of distrust.

• Reassure them of your love and ease any of their fears.

• Be consistent in your parenting and family rules.

• Avoid criticism of the other parent.

• Provide a consistent and stable routine of living.

• Support your teen’s positive relationships with friends.

• Identify other supportive adults that they can talk to.

Other tips in helping your child through a difficult time:

• Reassure them that it is not their fault.

• Remain consistency with discipline.

• Keep your promises.

• Be available to talk with your child when they are ready.

• Let your child be a kid (not taking on adult responsibilities).

• Take care of yourself. You are the backbone of the family.

• Seek professional help if you notice that your child’s symptoms are not improving.

Heidi Culbertson is the Director of Client Development at Harris Family Law. Harris Family Law specializes in Denver divorce, Colorado family law and Colorado child custody laws.

Money isn’t everything – until you don’t have it when you need it. CorePurpose announces July 20th session of the acclaimed Ready Set Grow Series – Foucus on Finance: Money Matters.

Phoenix, Arizona (PRWEB) June 22, 2004

CorePurpose, Inc., a management consulting, software and outsourced solutions provider, today announced the seventh installment in the Ready Set Grow Lecture Series : ”Focus on Finance: Money Matters”.

”Money isnÂÂ’t everythingÂÂ- until you donÂÂ’t have it when you need it” shared Joan Koerber-Walker, executive director of CorePurpose, Inc. ”Every businessÂÂ-large and smallÂÂ-goes through cycles of investment growth and reinvestment. Too often, we underestimate what we need or when weÂÂ’ll need itÂÂ-the results can be catastrophicÂÂ-missed opportunitiesÂÂ-stalled growth or even worse.”

On July 20, 2004, industry executives from around the valley will join Koerber-Walker and corporate finance and turn around expert David Mork to exploreÂÂ-

o The Business Growth and Financing Cycle

o How to predict future needs

o And where and when to pursue them

According to finance and restructure expert David Mork, ”you can have the greatest product or service in the worldÂÂ-but if the money runs outÂÂ-you canÂÂ’t deliver!” Mork will share some of the secrets he has used to help companies around the world Focus on Finance.

David Mork is a Director of CBIZ Miller Wagner, Inc., and Practice Leader/Director of the CBIZ Restructuring Group, which serves as an advisor to troubled entities, assists companies in turnaround situations, and is based in Phoenix. He brings over 24 years of experience in the restructuring industry where as a practitioner in the field he has managed hundredÂÂ’s of turnaround and bankruptcy cases since the enactment of the Code in 1979.

Mork has been retained as a financial advisor by entities with multiple operations throughout the United States, Canada, Australia, and Europe. He has managed the turnaround of large multi-location entities engaged in real estate, manufacturing, distribution, health care, financial institutions, construction, and transportation.

Ready Set Grow, is a 12 month program bringing 12 nationally known business growth experts to the valley. The series continues throughout 2004 and is held the third Tuesday morning of the month. Attendees will have the opportunity to listen to these executive experts share insights and then participate in workshops designed to apply the same concepts to their own companies. Subscriptions are offered as a series and on a single session basis.

Each program looks at a different facet of business growth strategy ranging from strategic execution to product design, customer focus and service, operations, sales, and globalization.

The program has gained support from a number of business and community sponsors including The Business Journal, the Arizona Technology Council, AZ SNAP, ASBA, The Downtown Phoenix Partnership ÂÂ- Copper Square, and The Business and Industry Institute at Mesa Community College.

”Workforce development is key to ArizonaÂÂ’s economic recovery”, said Koerber-Walker. ”Ready Set Grow is designed to support workforce development at multiple levels in an organization from senior leadership to the organizations key managers and next generation leaders. It is an opportunity for employees to step up and become part of the solution and an opportunity for employers to energize and endorse key team members through investing in their professional development.”

Program details and information:

When, Where and How Much?

Dates: July 20, 2004 ÂÂ- December 21th, 2004

Forums: 3rd Tuesday of every month

”Focus on Finance: Money Matters”. July 20 , 2004


7:30 ÂÂ- 8:00 AM ÂÂ- Continental Breakfast

8:00ÂÂ-12:00PM ÂÂ- Forum Session


Business and Industry Institute

Mesa Community College

145 North Centennial Way

Mesa, Arizona 85201


Single Sessions Pricing

Individual participant: $129 per session

Groups of 3 or more: $117 per person per session

for the Ready/Set/Grow series

Individual participant:

$600.00 for the balance of 2004

Groups of 3 or more: $540.00 per person

For more details and registration ÂÂ- visit

About CorePurpose, Inc.

Headquartered in Arizona, CorePurpose, Inc., is a consulting and solutions company specializing in focusing companies for greater success through high impact activities that link directly to results. Together with members of the CoreAllianceSM, CorePurpose, Inc. works with companies and organizations to align internal resources to their areas focus while offering resources for mentoring, implementation and outsourcing in non-core areas or areas where additional support is required including: HR, Sales and Marketing, Operations, IT, and Finance. For more information about CorePurpose, Inc., and to view the listing and experience of CoreAlliance Members visit:

CONTACT: CorePurpose, Inc.

Joan Koerber-Walker, 480/921-3933

CorePurpose® is a registered service mark of CorePurpose, Inc.


Why Did Leland Chapman Get Divorced?

Most of his fans known him from Dog the Bounty Hunter and ladies all over the world are interested in finding out more about the guy. Well today we are gonna find out the answer to the question why did Leland Chapman get divorced? Obviously this is something that single women will want to find out as they hold out hopes of hooking up with the man. So make sure to read on as we discuss everything that led up to his divorce with Maui Chapman.

So why did Leland Chapman get divorced? Well it’s kinda a long story but the case was filed under irreconcilable differences. It is rumored that Maui began the process in 2003 because of the whole situation with Andrew Luster. They claim that she used his prison stay as grounds and in all honesty that is a pretty good reason for one to leave a marriage. Leland was said to have countered that claim with one of his own stating abandonment which basically meant she gave up on him during the process.

Ultimately in the end both sides would come to an agreement to meet in the middle since the grounds had changed once he was released from prison. It appears that Leland Chapman got divorced because Maui no longer wanted to be involved with the guy. That is all speculation on my part but it certainly seems to be the case. The thing that probably hurt him the most was that she was granted custody of the children due to his stint in a Mexican prison which hurt him in the eyes of the court.

This really shouldn’t change a person’s opinion about somebody because there are millions of divorced Americans out there at the moment. Forever is a long time and sometimes people just drift apart in life. It happens all the time and doesn’t make someone wrong or a bad person at all. At least now some of the readers at home know why Leland Chapman got divorced rather than just having some pure speculation on their mind.

Let me just add as well that who knows what went on behind closed doors to cause Leland and Maui Chapman to want to get divorced and end their marriage. There could’ve been things happen to either side of the relationship that many of us at home would be surprised to find out. That is the thing about celebrity relationships that most fans don’t think because they are only people and make the same mistakes in life as well.

Hello everyone I m glad to be a member of the site. My interests are mainly football, mma and historical topics.  View profile

Family is a Lie

I moved back in with my mother. Shara, my sister, stayed with Dad, of course. Somehow, though, despite our different opinions about Mom, we stayed close. I suppose that can be explained by the fact that we simply didn’t discuss her on our alternating weekend visits. Even when she came over to visit Mom, Shara was kind and polite to her. She simply preferred to live with Dad. His money helped her come to that decision, as well, I suppose.

Soon after the divorce, Dad started dating. He dated a short, mouthy schoolteacher for awhile, but dumped her when he met tall and tight-lipped Estelle. Estelle, the weenie. She acquiesced to my father in all matters. She was everything that my mother and I were not. She was milquetoast. And to make it worse, she had a daughter my age.

After she and my father married, Estelle enrolled Janelle in my high school. Janelle ended up in my senior English class. Janelle was an embarrassment. Nobody cared for her. She was aloof and withdrawn. She did not attempt to befriend anybody, spurning the advances of the most kindhearted and ardent of my friends. Eventually, we all forgot about her. Even at Dad’s house, she maintained a high level of invisibility.

One day, between classes, I ran into Janelle in the girls’ restroom. Her eyes were red and swollen. Her cheeks were still wet with tears. But more importantly, she was holding a bloody fingernail file.

“Janelle? What did you do?”

Janelle dropped the nail file in the trash can before she answered.

“Pretty is as pretty does.”

I laughed. Keep in mind, the amount of blood on the nail file was miniscule. She had obviously not killed anybody or mortally wounded herself. But someone had been hurt on some level and now she was talking nonsense. I was at a loss as to what to think about the situation. I laughed again. A short and unfelt haha.

Janelle turned to the mirror and smoothed her hair with her hands.

“Janelle, what the hell does that mean?”

She didn’t answer, she just left. Later, in our English class, she read her essay on family aloud.

“Family implies cohesion. Family implies love. Family is a lie. Couples divorce and split up their offspring. New relationships are formed. New couples emerge. New step-siblings meet. New step-siblings endure life with each other. Someone has to make sacrifices. Someone has to change schools. Someone has to make themselves get up everyday in a house without their cat because the new step-dad is allergic. Someone hates family. Someone ponders ways out.”

The class was silent, but for a few soft chuckles. By the end of the school day, the incident had been discussed and exaggerated amongst every clique and social forum.

Mrs. Reynolds, our English teacher, had Janelle’s counselor call her in. As a result of that meeting, Janelle ended up at County Hospital in the psychiatric ward for a month. It was only supposed to be for one week, but she made a suicide attempt. When she finally came home, Shara told me that Estelle and Dad screamed at Janelle. Apparently, Dad was furious about the hospital bill. It was bad enough that she had to go there in the first place, he said, but did she have to add more time on? Next time she wanted to kill herself, he said, she should make sure that she succeeded.

If nothing else, this scenario was valuable in that it caused Shara to grow up and see Dad for the beast that he was. Even more importantly, though, it taught us both that we were not alone in this mess called family. And we certainly were not the ones who had suffered.

Susan Sonnen, BA Psychology. I am a freelance writer with a focus on literacy and preschool education.  View profile

Increasing Divorce Rate

Divorce Billboard


Divorce rate in the USA is so high that more than 50% of the marriages are likely to end up in divorce. Statistics have also revealed that many other growing countries have the same high divorce rate. It appears that people have been so accustomed to the on-the-go services offered by fast-food chains or supermarkets that some of us today consider that marriages are also “disposable”.

Marrying today is taken only as a means to comply with the tradition rather than making it the solid foundation of a family.

Oftentimes, public figures like the celebrities, athletes, politicians and entertainers are the ones who are often involved in a divorce.

It is interesting to know that US policemen have the highest divorce rate compared to any other profession. This is because of the following: A risky profession, authoritative uniform, badge and guns attract the opposite gender. But soon after the policeman’s partner becomes aware of the danger and the hurricane-like life with his type of profession, it ends up with divorce.

Almost 50% of first marriages ended in divorce in the US along with many other countries like Russia, UK, New Zealand, Denmark, Australia and Canada. While two-thirds of second marriages end, three-quarters of third marriages are dissolved.

What happened to the wedding declarations that were supposed to be sacred? Does divorce become an “escape route” for couples who found problems with their marriage without trying to settle them first?

The value of marriage dropped dramatically over the years. This is based from the number of individuals who prefer not to marry their partners and just live in a civil union, but still decide to have children. What the couple does not know with this form of relationship is that the losing end here are the children.

Apart from the couples’ dilemmas in a relationship, how a person was raised by his or her parents can also be a cause for the lack of commitment to marriage. There’s a saying that “what you sow is what you reap”. If a child was not taken care by her parents very well, should we expect him or her to take care of his or her family in the future?

Religion can also influence a person towards marriage. It is not enough that you know what your religion is, and what is it about. You must also live it by heart.

On the other hand, there is a 40% less divorce rate for couples who already have children –significantly low compared with couples who have none. But how about the children from those broken marriages? As explained earlier, how a child was raised will reflect what he or she will do in the future. There’s a risk that the child can also be involved in a broken marriage. How can they be informed about the consequences of marriage if at their young age, they have also become a victim of it?

Remember that one-third of the children out there came from broken families. First divorce happens at the age of 33, which is also the average age of people with children. Due to this, kids are raised in a house with just a single parent. A stage in their life where there should be guidance provided to them by their mother and father.

Even if you will be supporting your children financially or you will be visiting them every now and then, there is always a big difference between being raised in a complete and bonded family than a broken home. Broken homes do not have the emotional security that can support a child as he or she grows up.

As our technology advances, so is our way of living. The sad part is that we become so modernized that we opt to forget the meaning of such traditions (just like the marriage vows) that are the basic foundation of a family. If an individual has lost the meaning and importance of marriage, how can we say that he or she is committed to the relationship? When you don’t know the essence of marriage, then how does it differ from a casual relationship?

If your child will be involved in casual relationships, can you claim that you’ve been a good role model? How can we say that we’re different from those animals who do not have a permanent partner?

Female chimps can have more than one partner –and have children from each of them. Since her current mate cannot distinguish which baby is his, he takes full responsibility for all the babies. A righteous trait that even a human will find hard to do.

Let us say that you are not really a religious person, this does not excuse you from giving value to your marriage. If you really value, love and care for your partner, these should be enough reasons for you to think twice and fix things up rather than seek divorce. Also, faithfulness and respect for the vows you have made in front of the church and to each other will enlighten you with a deep meaning of what marriage is all about.

Marriage is a lifetime commitment not just to your partner but also to yourself. We should never think of entering this kind of relationship if we’re only up for an immediate gratification instead of long lasting happiness.

Breaking Up Over Phone or Email

It’s amazing what people will do to avoid breaking up in person and having an honest conversation about their feelings. For example, there is even a reality show coming up on the Oxygen Network, called Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty where Shannen does the dirty work for you!

But there has to be some middle ground between having an awkward face-to-face conversation and involving Brenda from 90210 in your personal life- right?

The truth is, in some situations, you can get away with breaking up over the phone or email without being a complete asshole. Once I broke up with someone by text message and felt completely justified- but that was a special case. If it’s at all serious of course you have to break up in person. If it’s fairly casual, your conscience will tell you if a face-to-face conversation is called for but here are some guidelines.

You absolutely have to break up in person if:

-you were introduced by a mutual friend. This is a manners thing. You need to be extra careful because you don’t want to offend the friend who made the introduction.

-you have had sex more than once. Again- manners thing. Whether it was casual or not you should be nicest to the people who you have had sex with.

But online dating has changed everything and if a mini-relationship was born over IM, why shouldn’t it die the same way? Email can be even better because it can be composed at leisure and you don’t have to worry about an overly emotional real-time reaction.

Let me give you a case study from my own life. I went out with drinks with… let’s call him Joe. I felt odd about him, the conversation was stilted and he started acting strangely the more he drank. He was inappropriately affectionate and at one point tried to playfully bite my arm- which really creeped me out. I escaped quickly and went home. The next day I had an email from Joe saying that he had a great time and wanted to get together again. I responded with something along the lines of “It was really nice meeting you. You are a great guy but I don’t think we are a very good match. Best of luck finding someone you are more compatible with.” I had an almost instant email from Matt saying “Yeah, I was thinking the same exact thing.” Even though my email was polite and neutral I was scared to send it. But it was totally the right thing to do. After one bad date an in person breakup is certainly not required.

A phone conversation is a little trickier, but you can use similar strategies. A phone breakup is more appropriate if you have gone on a couple of dates- or if he calls to ask you out and you aren’t interested.

When ending a short term fling, honesty is not the best policy. You barely know each other so why not make it as painless as possible? Here are a few tips that will work in person, on the phone or email.

-Compliment them. If you can’t think of something specific, “You’re a great guy/girl” will do.

-Do not say “It’s not you, it’s me.” Seriously. Even if it’s true.

-Blame the dynamic between you- anything but the other person. It’s much easier to hear “I just don’t think you and I had the right chemistry” than something personal like “Your lazy eye creeped me out”

-End by sincerely (or fake sincerely) wishing them well. Like my grandmother said, “There’s a lid for every pot.” Even that creepy biting guy with the lazy eye.

I live in downtown New York City and work in television.  View profile

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