How to Deal with a Break up

Coping with a permanent break-up can be difficult, especially if you are the one getting booted out of the door, but there are a number of practical and easy steps to dealing with the situation in such a way as to minimise the emotional damage you sustain. This advice is more for teenage to mid twenties romantic situations, the sort of relationships that might have lasted for say a couple of years but have broken down and seem like the end of the world to those involved.

These steps are to be thought about when you have had a chance to cool down and divorce yourself from the emotionality of the situation. Try and think about them objectively, and be honest with yourself, as if your not then you are just going to open the door to a lot more pain for yourself.

Firstly sit down and ask yourself, Will I ever get back together with her?

This is a pivotal question, and you have to divorce from it what you want as obviously such a call is not up to you. You have to consider the situation surrounding the break-up and the likely-hood of a change of mind.

If you think so then stop reading and do what you need to do to try and get her back. If that fails then come back and carry on reading

If however, you see that the writing was on the wall for a while and chances are such a reconciliation isn’t really on the cards then you have to consider your options and what is going to work best for you.

Ask yourself Will I maintain a cordial relationship with this person?

This relates to whether you have the ability of the easier option, which is a nice clean and final break, no traces, I’m talking the blocking of facebook friends, removal of photo’s and mementos and no phone-calls or texts. It really makes getting over someone easier if you don’t have to ever see or hear from them again. Do you really want to see the pictures of her getting with some other guy last night on facebook? Or find yourself texting her begging for a second chance when you’ve had a few on Saturday night?

A lot of the time however that simply isn’t an option, either because you share a friendship group, work with them, go to university or school with them or simply don’t want to sacrifice them completely from your life. This is the situation where getting over someone becomes most difficult.

I cannot stress enough at this point that space and time are healers, so in the immediate aftermath of relationship meltdown minimise your contact with the ex. If it’s a lost cause leave it like that, don’t torment yourself by hanging around what could have been. You may have the noblest intentions in the world of being friends but I guarantee so long as the vestiges of the love, affection, affinity whatever you wish to call what you had together are still in your system you will never be friends in the real sense of the word.

You will be hanging around hoping that she will change her mind and feeling nothing but despair when she moves on like you should have but were too busy being a good friend.

A note on rebounds

Rebounds occur when you enter into a semi-relationship with someone even though you are definitely not over the ex girlfriend. They can be anything from a one night stand to a full on new relationship.

These can serve as therapy, they make you feel attractive, they boost self esteem and silence any doubts you might have had following the break up (sort of the why oh why did she dump me? Questions), however keep perspective, these relationships are entirely hollow until you can honestly say the ex is out of your mind and you no longer get a thrill when she talks to you or want to help her out when she’s in trouble. Remember your messing with someone else’s feelings when you rebound, just because you have been dumped doesn’t mean you can act like a jerk. If you can rebound with a girl who knows the lay of the land and is just looking for a pleasant diversion good stuff! Rebound away! Avoid however dragging someone along only to run roughshod over their feelings as you don’t want to be hypocritical and make another feel what you have experienced do you?

Acceptance and/or Replacement

This occurs when enough time has passed so that you no longer look back and think what if? When you can see her and her new boyfriend together and not feel jealousy. When you can emotionally connect with another girl without thinking about the ex.

This simply put is where you want to be. This is the point when normal relations can reassert themselves, when you CAN actually be friends with the girl who emotionally wrecked you. How long this takes depends on the individual and the depth of feelings involved, but a real replacement (rather than a rebound) can really speed the process.

A replacement involves taking everything you had with the ex and matching it or improving on it with the new girl; I’m talking looks, personality, chemistry the whole package. She has to be so good that you aren’t even comparing her with the ex because you’re busy marvelling how lucky you are to have a second chance with somebody better. There is no hint of that vague regret you had with the rebounds because it wasn’t your ex, this is the real deal.

If you get this girl there is no looking back because she is the future and that is what differentiates her from a rebound.

So basically these are my personal tips for relationship breakdown management, I hope you find them helpful, and I wish you good luck in moving on with your life!

 

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