Tag Archives: adult children

Adult Children Living at Home? How to Manage Without Going Crazy

More and more adult kids are coming back home—or never leaving in the first place. In fact, if you are in this situation, you are not alone. A recent study says that nearly 53 percent of 18- to 24-year-olds in the U.S. reside with their parents. Whether your child is contributing his fair share or driving you up the wall with irresponsibility and attitude, you’re bound to lock horns from time to time. Find out how you can manage your adult children living at home effectively—and how you’ll know when it’s time for them to leave.

Older children end up at home with their parents for many different reasons. Sometimes they want to get their nest built financially, so they come home to save money and secure their future. Other kids are coming home—or have never left in the first place—because they really can’t make it out there on their own. For one reason or another, they haven’t developed the maturity to launch successfully.

If your adult child lives at home with you and has made no move to save up for a place of his own, you’ve probably asked yourself, “Is he planning to stay here forever?’ And the truth is, sometimes older kids do get comfortable back home. It takes a lot of pressure off their shoulders because Mom and Dad are there to cook and clean and pay the bills. So when is it appropriate to ask your child to leave? Should you wait until they get a job or get married? Is there a plan, or are you just moving forward blindly, hoping they’ll get up on their feet and find their way eventually?

Are You an “Over–Functioner’?

Some adult children are slower to mature than others. Developmentally, they’re just not “there’ yet—they’re not ready to take care of themselves, so they end up at home. When this happens, many times I find the parents have been over–functioning for their kids.

There’s an important difference between helping and over–functioning. Helping your older child means doing something for him he can’t do himself, such as driving him somewhere when he has a broken leg. Over–functioning means you’re taking responsibility for things he can do for himself, like doing his laundry and cleaning up his messes after he’s had friends over. Perhaps that pattern started years ago or maybe it began when he moved back home. The bad news is that when you over–function you’re allowing the negative behaviors to continue; the good news is that it’s in your control to change the situation.

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When to tell grown children the truth about divorce

My opinion on this delicate matter is, when your children have reached adulthood, there is not much you can talk to them about concerning divorce issues, nine times out of ten, they have heard about it, or have experienced it vicariously through the lives of close friends or associates. In that we are talking about divorce within their own family ranks, it is never a good or easy topic to discuss with adult children or with anyone else, as the emotions are raw in some instances. I don’t care at which stage in life a divorce occurs, your children are always in want of their parents staying together.

When things are not going great between two spouses, the children are very observant and can detect the discord and tension between them, this will be a measuring stick as to how soon the divorce will follow; if these actions have gone on for some time now, what you should never do is, draw the children into any spousal disputes and expect them to choose sides. The whole family unit is at risk and there are no winners here. For these are truly sad times and counseling might be advisable for those who are taking the breakup with more difficulty… within the realm of normal reasoning.

The first time my adult children would hear the words divorce from me, would be the same day of me catching my husband in an adulterous affair and a few bruises to my face from being punched in it repeatedly. By the time the police and ambulance arrives, maybe divorce won’t be an option, we’ll be making other arrangements. Now on the serious side of things, If this was the ideal world, laws would mandate; “No divorcing after five years of marriage.” If children were born during this time, they wouldn’t be hurt from having gone through such nasty divorce proceedings. After the children have reached adulthood, then they could motion the order of divorce back into court for a different ruling. By doing things in this order, the children would have had a two parent home and benefits of being together with both parents.

Divorce is such a life-altering decision, there are never enough solutions, not enough remedies or cures to ease or abate the pain of having to make such a heart-wrenching decision. This is your Tempest In A Teapot, should you fix a broken marriage or should you turn your back on it and just walk away. Forgiveness is on so many short order menus, people are opting to not boil the tea but to spill the pot. Starting over with a fresh brew will take some getting used too, it is sometimes better to stick with the tried and true, experimenting with the fresh and new version might render an acrid taste that’s hard to swallow, uneasy to stomach and even harder to digest. I am so glad, I know the direction my marriage is headed and I’m deeply seated in it: Until death do us part. The only thing I don’t know is the order of departure. Until it’s over….I’M HAPPY!