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Divorce Is Not The Answer: How To Stop Divorce

Marriages take work. Sometimes it can even be difficult and your spouse can take the life out of you. When you’re constantly fighting, when you’re not attracted to your spouse anymore, when you feel neglected, or when an affair happens, the most common thing couples do today is get a divorce. In the United States, when a couple gets married, there’s a fifty-fifty chance that the marriage will end in divorce.

In today’s modern world, people are so busy with their individual lives and careers that taking time to sit down and work on a marriage is no longer an option. Divorce has become so accepted in Western cultures that it has become a normal phase in one’s life. But divorce, no matter how common, is the second most devastating thing to happen to anyone, next to the death of a spouse.

When you decide to get a divorce, you have an idealized vision of what your life will be without that person. You think that your life will be so much better once your spouse is out of your life and you become single again. You hope to find someone else who will love you better and that you’ll live happily ever after. However, the grass is never greener on the other side, contrary to what you might think.

Even if the divorce may be a mutual decision between you and your spouse, it causes a world of chaos and pain to the both of you. If you have kids, you sometimes don’t take their well being into consideration. Divorce affects them as much or even more as it affects you. If you still have love for each other, then maybe divorce is not the answer. All marriages have rough patches, but it doesn’t mean you should give up that easily just because divorce is so available.

Before the documents are filed and before one of you moves out of the house, consider giving the marriage another try. You owe it your past and the love that you once had to at least do something before you make that decision. As soon as you know that your marriage may be heading towards that path, seek help immediately. You can get couples counseling, talk to your pastor or priest, or even seek help from friends and family. Try to remember your good times, look at your old photographs, read your old love letters etc. Do things that will make you remember and feel the love that you once had. And if these don’t work, ask your spouse to put the divorce on hold. Take this time in making your spouse fall in love with you again. Divorce is not only painful and costly, but most of the time it isn’t even necessary.

If you or someone you know is wanting to get back with an ex, or needing help in their relationship before the breakup happens, here is a website that can help The Magic of Making Up

To go directly to the article titled “How Can I Get My Wife To Love Me Again” click this link.

If Obama Honeymoon is Over, Is Divorce Next?

I’m not breaking any new ground here or telling you something you don’t already know, but Barack Obama is not exactly living any glory days as President recently. This is kind of reinforced by the following headline I noticed on the Drudge Report on Tuesday: WASHPOSTABCNEWS POLL: Confidence in Obama reaches new low… The report starts out very bluntly by stating that “nearly six in 10 voters say they lack faith in the president to make the right decisions for the country.” If that isn’t even a little sobering to the administration, then they have better poker faces than Darth Vader. This is certainly a far cry from a Jan. 16, 2009 Gallup poll that showed an 83 percent approval rating for then President Elect Obama’s handling of the transition to the Oval Office and a 64 percent confidence rating in his ability to be a good president.

Having said that, here’s a question that many before me have already asked: What the hell happened? I mean…you know…hope and change, man!

One of the most obvious culprits is the economy, which in the last few years has tanked almost worse than Crystal Pepsi, Cop Rock, and Mel Gibson. Now I’m not saying that George W. Bush did not have a hand in the country’s current economic situation. There is certainly a degree of validity to some of the claims that the current administration inherited a few things from previous one, namely the fact that spending was already a nightmare under Dubya, particularly in his last couple of years in office. When Obama took office, the federal government was already hemorrhaging money faster than Lindsay Lohan can sweat vodka.

The way I see it, this was a prime opportunity for the president to seize on the "hope and change" theme. No matter how you slice it, the rampant spending wasn’t working, and Obama could have truly set himself up for success and shown he was more of a maverick than John McCain if he had simply said, "No more." Instead, what we got was more of the same, especially in the form of the $787 billion stimulus package…you know, the one that the president said in January of last year would cut off the national unemployment rate at 8 percent if it was enacted. I’m happy to report that it worked as promised…oh, wait. What’s that, Alex Trebek? "Ooh, sorry. The answer is, ‘What is pipe dream?’ ‘"  According to the Department of Labor website, unemployment was at 9.5 percent in June, but hey, at least it didn’t hit 12 or 13 percent. Right, Mr. President?

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Morning Motivation: Moving Past a Divorce or Breakup

A Native American Sauk Elder named Black Hawk explained that in his tribe, newlyweds spend one year together just getting to know each other and deciding if they can be a happily married couple. If not, they simply walk away from that relationship and seek new partners. There are no lawyers or papers. There is no shame or sense of failure. It simply didn’t work out, and both people move on.

Similarly, the Celtic Handfasting Ceremony celebrates a couple’s pledge to love and cherish each other for only one year and a day. After that period of time, they can choose to make a new pledge for another period of time, or seek new relationships that will bring more happiness.

What I particularly like about these approaches to committed relationships is their focus on happiness instead of guilt. Couples are not expected to simply endure the pain of an unhappy relationship because they have vowed to stay together “for the children” or “until death do them part.” People are truly free to be in a vibrant relationship that makes them both happy, whether that is with each other or other partners. If people choose to separate despite their best efforts to find happiness together, the focus immediately turns to both people finding happiness in the future instead of feeling guilt about the past.

Things are a little different in our society, where guilt surrounds us all the time. We have terms such as “failed marriage” and “failed relationship.” People often delay their own happiness while pointing an accusatory finger at someone for the “failure” of the past.

The concept of failure is an illusion! Failure is a meaningless judgment; we simply learn from all of our experiences, including a divorce or breakup:

  • “For some reason, we see divorce as a signal of failure, despite the fact that each of us has a right, and an obligation, to rectify any other mistake we make in life.” – Joyce Brothers
  • “We are divorced, we are friends, and we are good parents.” – Sarah Ferguson
  • “When people divorce, it’s always such a tragedy. At the same time, if people stay together it can be even worse.” – Monica Bellucci
  • “Re-examine all you have been told . . . Dismiss what insults your Soul.” – Walt Whitman
  • Divorce is like a root canal: never wanted, sometimes needed.” – Elizabeth J Griffith

If you are struggling with a divorce or breakup today, may you start the day by shifting your focus from guilt or blame about past “failures” to new happiness and new possibilities in the future!

To read other motivational and inspirational thoughts throughout the day, follow me on Twitter:


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Boredom in Relationships

If we look into cases of Divorce and Infidelity we can see that many of them have resulted from the Boredom in the relationship. In the initial or honeymoon phase in marriages or living relationships every thing tends to go well. After the initial passion dies down in the relationship many find the relationship boring and meaningless. In the beginning the Couples in relationship genuinely try to spend more and more time with each other and do things to please each other. But as the relationship goes on for a long time it is often noticed that in relationships boredom creeps up after a few years. This happens mostly because one tends to follow the same routine day in and day out. So the most obvious solution for this is to change the situation. Many people go on with this without complaining and many try to move on to green pastures creating situations like cheating ,extramarital Affairs or Divorce which is a wrong thing to do. Many couples blame each other for such conditions and the boredom in their relationship or marriage.

It is possible to avoid boredom in relationships. But as Relationships are a two way street it takes the effort of both the partners to make the relationships work. The Couples should try to offer some variation in their relationship and try to make things more interesting. They should also keep the Communication open and look for new ways to make everyday in life exciting.


Thinking in Shades of Gray

The tension of a paradox can be paralyzing. Few problems today can be answered as right or wrong. Success will surely go to those who can find the best answer among many right answers. The current debate over immigration law in Alabama is an opportunity for our kids to practice thinking in the shades of gray.

Are we obligated to provide education to all children—regardless of citizenship?

Education leads to freedom and peace

Alabama’s law, among other things, requires school officials verify the citizenship of students. Heavily targeting the Hispanic community, the opposition claims the result has been increased bullying and a drop in Hispanic student attendance.

Freedom is the ability to act with choice and reason. Controlling your choices requires an awareness of options and a rational, educated mind with which to evaluate them. Helplessness triggers fear; fear hijacks rational thinking. Education and support replace fear with confidence and peace.

Freedom isn’t free

Just ask a veteran or the parent of a vet how much was paid in the name of freedom. If you don’t know anyone to ask then look at your tax bill—freedom is expensive. Money is a big factor in the availability of quality education—money that pays teachers and supports students.

Size Matters

Twenty years of causality debates about class sizes and academic achievement have settled nothing. Some argue teachers can’t be effective with too many students while others say a great teacher with a solid plan can overcome the obstacle. It’s true, a great teacher can do great things; however we can’t be sure that our kids will land an excellent teacher K – 12. Watch Davis Guggenheim’s, Waiting for Superman, and see what I mean.

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Lorraine Esposito is a Professional Certified Coach (PCC), Mentor Coach, nationally recognized author, and coach training instructor for the world’s largest coach training organization. She has been featured in broadcast, print, and online media and …

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Reason why couples break up

Couples get together and after a time, these same couples break up. It is more often the case than not, these days. A rarity indeed is the man and woman who meet, fall in love, marry, live and die still together. Although the exact reasons are quite varied, there are some common themes that resound throughout many of the break-up stories that are being written in relationships all the time.

The complaint that is heard most often is that there was a lack of communication. Where there is no communication, there is no relating to one another or understanding one another. You may try to tell your partner when something is bothering you, but they aren’t really listening, just nodding and grunting once in a while. Nothing will change because they never really heard you in the first place. Or, vice versa, maybe it is you that doesn’t listen or doesn’t know how to explain your feelings. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is, but it must be corrected somehow if you want to continue on in the relationship.

When a couple is either married or living together, money problems are often at the root of the break-up. When there are financial burdens, we tend to become very stressed, frustrated and generally unhappy. Unfortunately, the other person in the home often becomes the target of our jabs and angry words. The entire relationship is clouded by the tension in the air and one or both people will typically decide to walk away to a place where they can breathe again.

There are also couples who never intended to get together in the first place for anything more than a one night stand. Probably everybody has heard the story. One magical night, one month later, one blue line, and one baby on the way. So, the new parents decide to try to make a relationship for the sake of the child. The problem is not with either of them necessarily, there was just no relationship to build on.

Sometimes there are important things, such as faith, that are not shared and although they originally didn’t think it would be a big deal, it turns into one. Or, maybe the couple simply has little or nothing at all in common. Opposites do attract, but it is diffucult to impossible to have a long-term relationship if you share no hobbies, no interests, and no dreams. If one person has a goal of becoming a millionaire and the other wants to move to Africa to help the orphans, it is unlikely that these two will make it. In the odd case that they do, only one of them will get to fulfill their life’s dream and


I Hate Him, He Hates Me But We Can’t Afford to Get Divorced

Times are tougher financially then they used to be and this brings on added stress which can strain a marriage. Many marriages fail because of fights over money. Now with the economy, it’s harder to be able to get a divorce. He hates her and she hates him yet they can’t afford to get divorced. Divorces are very expensive. Attorneys aren’t cheap and keeping up two households (especially if you have children) is expensive. Add to this the extra cost of going solo on the bills you used to share. This doesn’t just apply to married couples, it applies to all couples. Hate ‘em but can’t afford to leave ‘em. So what now?

Well, for starters don’t make matters worse for anyone on any level by adding in a third party. Don’t go online looking for a new significant other or cheat on your SO with someone nearby. It seems the first thing many people do is start crushing and setting their hopes on someone else. People will even hop in bed with another and have a fling or two. If you’re worried about expenses, having an affair or getting even with your significant other is even more expensive on every level.

Easier said than done but try to make the best of your forced faux relationship. Going through the motions is no fun, we know, yet what we’re saying is to make the best of a situation that will indeed change. Nothing lasts forever. Change could mean that you get better or that you do eventually physically split up and move out. But for the time being, you’re stuck with each other so learn to make some adjustments. Maybe you can move into a different room or another part of the house. Learn to be cordial. Learn to walk away and leave when things get heated. Making adjustments is a part of every day life. At work you have to make adjustments. With friends, you have to compromise and be flexible. This really isn’t any different.

In the mean time, you may learn a few things about yourself and about the other person. And what can be wrong with taking some time before doing something drastic anyway? Maybe in time, you’ll both realize it’s not that bad or perhaps you’ll rekindle that old flame again. Who knows. We just know that time may help you think more clearly, learn to adjust and grow, and may keep you from making some pretty drastic decisions that may be your biggest regrets later.

On an good note, the rate of divorce is going down.:-)


How To Know When Divorce Is Right

Several couples who cannot bear the relationship any longer have this lingering question on how to know when divorce is right for them. There is wisdom in knowing when the right time is so that everyone who is affected or might be affected will not experience severe consequences of the failed marriage.

Divorce is a common occurrence in the United States. In fact, statistics have shown that half of the marriages end in divorce in a certain period of time. Even for those who have been through loving relationships, tough times are can still be encountered. But going through hardships within the relationship does not mean the couple has to subject themselves to divorce decisions. Several aspects in marriage can still be resolved, and it is important that the couple decides to invest every effort to save the marriage vow they once declared to the world.

However, for those who are bent on knowing how to know when divorce is right for them, here are questions that need to be answered by them personally. There are no formulas to ascertain that the relationship is subject for divorce. It is only the couple who can be certain about the answers. So before finalizing everything, ask yourself the following questions found below.

How to Know When Divorce is Right

1. Is fight always the solution for every situation that evolves in the relationship, even if the case of the situation is minor?

2. Do you always go back into the hurtful memory lane, not just when fighting, but also during moments when you are talking casually?

3. Does each of you still respect each other? If respect has once been jeopardized, is it still possible to bring back the respect you have for each other?

4. When it comes to goals and dreams, is there a change in yours, yet your partner remains the same? Or is there a change in your partner’s aspirations in life, while yours is stuck up with the status quo?

5. Does your partner by this time overlook your personal growth?

6. Are there major changes in both the values you uphold together, especially those related to moral and ethical values and lifestyle?

7. Have you forgotten to compromise? When arguments abound, do you create a way to meet in the middle?

8. When it comes to sexual compatibility, have you lost the intimacies you once have? Do you feel you are repelled by your spouse’s presence, despite all the counseling sessions and professional therapy you underwent?

9. Do you honestly think that divorce is right this time?

Asking these questions and getting to know when divorce is right is important for every couple who is confused of their relationship. It is ultimately up to you to decide. But such decision should be thought of thoroughly in order to avoid regrets, and to prevent other parties from suffering with the consequences of such action.


Dealing With Divorce – Keeping Your Ex From Becoming Your Ex

If you are currently dealing with divorce, you can be expected to feel a wide range of different emotions. Depending on what the circumstances of the breakup were you may feel anger, hurt, grief, rage or even, on occasion, happiness or elation. The final two emotions may come as a result to having a divorce finalized and feeling as if you can move past this part in your life.

However, if you are still in love with your spouse, you may want to learn how the tricks of dealing with divorce that can help keep your ex from becoming your ex. Depending on the cause or causes for the divorce and who started the process, you may find this easier or more difficult than you thought. However, there are ways that can get you through this time productively and which may even lead to you keeping the divorce from becoming finalized.

All relationships have reasons why they end, and there is no relationship that has ended solely because of the actions of one partner but not the other. Because you have issues on both sides to work through, you should consider counseling or mediation. Many times the courts will order you to attend sessions with a marital counselor and this is something you should take advantage of.

Counseling is an excellent way for you and your partner to discuss issues that affected your relationship negatively. You should make sure that both of you are comfortable with the person you are speaking with. If both sides do not feel a connection with the counselor, or one spouse thinks that the counselor is unfairly targeting them, they will shut down and an important chance at communication will be lost.

If you are trying to have any chance at maintaining a relationship and preventing the divorce, you need to make sure that you are able to interact with your spouse without arguing. Arguing can rapidly turn bitter and drive an even larger wedge between the two of you. You should try very hard to discuss things in a very calm manner. Mediation can help with that.

Mediation and non-adversarial approaches to divorce are aimed at handling things in a way that may even lead to having the marriage remain solvent. The goal of a mediator is that you will work with them to settle the issues surrounding the divorce including the separation of property, any funds such as child support or alimony, and even child custody agreements. If you can work together to make these decisions, you may often find that it is possible to reclaim some of the love and feeling you once shared and have a much better way of dealing with divorce.

If you find that after counseling and soul searching you are still unable to make the relationship work, you may need to allow the divorce to continue. Dealing with divorce can also mean realizing when a relationship cannot be saved and must be allowed to dissolve so that you and your partner can get on with living a full and productive life.

Want Your Ex Back? Find out what you need to do. Visit for a free report on Getting Your Ex Back at http://www.gettingthemback.info


5 Things You Must Know before Saying ‘I Want A Divorce’

There are ways to go about breaking up that will give you the best chance for a smoother trip through one of life”s most difficult passages. This is an exceedingly sensitive time when it doesn”t take much to stir things up. Fortunately, because we go through this with other couples a few thousand times a year, we know exactly what you can do, and the kinds of things you must avoid, to make breaking up as smooth as possible.

Whether you are a married couple, or have been living together in a long-term committed relationship, breaking up is almost always painful, but the essential thing is to avoid unnecessary pain and cost, much of which can be avoided or minimized if you are careful. It is essential to avoid words and actions that escalate from hurt, fear, and anger to hostility, lawyers, courts, and huge expenses. That would be very hard on you, on your kids if you have any, and devastating to your pocketbook.

For couples who are not married, breaking up presents many of the same challenges. In this discussion, if you replace divorce with breakup and spouse with partner, it will work the same for you. So here are the five things you really need to know before telling your spouse you want to break up:

1. If you decide to separate, don”t do one more thing or say one more word to your spouse until you understand the rest of this article, and have read the other articles listed at the end. The way you announce the decision, or respond to it, will make a huge difference in the way things unwind.

2. The most common cause of conflict in separation and divorce is lack of mutuality in the decision?in other words, both spouses haven”t accepted the idea that you”re breaking up. Ideally, the decision would be arrived at together, but in most cases one spouse decides alone after taking time to think about it, get advice from friends or professionals, process emotions and make plans.

3. Once the decision is made, it is presented to the other spouse as a done deal and the sooner the better. Opportunities to solve problems and possibly save the relationship have been lost. What”s worse, a long, hard divorce is more likely because the first spouse is ready to break up right away while the other spouse is upset and still working through denial and resistance. This person hasn”t had time to process the reality and will be in some kind of emotional upset, in no way ready to discuss details or work out accommodations.

4. This is not a good time to push along on the breakup, even though the first spouse is ready and highly motivated to do so. Moving along too quickly at this point is the root cause of a lot more trouble to follow. If you are the first to decide, you are in a unique and powerful position to affect the future tone of the divorce. By being abrupt and insensitive, you can almost guarantee a bitter, expensive divorce.

5. If you want to encourage a sane resolution of divorce issues, be patient, be sensitive, but most of all, slow down. Give your spouse time to process the changes. Stay positive and as close to your spouse as possible. You can express caring and concern while being firm in your decision. Work with your spouse until you can both accept the fact that going your separate ways is inevitable, and you can both focus on moving forward. This is the best way to break up, and will lead to the best result.

I give you everything you need to further prepare yourself before letting your spouse know you want to break up, in my book Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce Better.

Ed Sherman is a divorce specialist attorney and award-winning author of How to Do Your Own Divorce in California. His books and software have saved millions of people billions of dollars in unnecessary attorney fees. Visit Nolo

http://www.thefreelibrary.com/5 Things You Must Know before Saying ‘I Want A Divorce’-a01073835569

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