Tag Archives: contested divorce

How To Talk To A Man – Five Secrets Every Woman Should Know

Do you know how to talk to your man? Is your boyfriend the silent type, not telling you what he thinks or feels? When you ask him questions and try to get him to open up, does he seem to go farther away? Is he confused about what you want from him?

Talking to men can be difficult if you don’t understand how they are wired. Even if your guy is the talkative type, he still may not be good at sharing thoughts, feelings, or sentiments that are of any depth. Would you like to know the five secrets in how to talk to a man? Here are some facts that may surprise you and guide you:

1. You cannot talk to men the way you talk to other women.

Women are almost always ready to share. If you woke your girlfriend up at three in the morning to tell her the details of your fight with your boyfriend, she could tune into what you are saying in about five seconds. Conversely, if you woke your boyfriend up to tell him anything important, it would be the equivalent of a bee sting. He would be jolted, disoriented, and a little mad. He would need twenty minutes to regroup and hear what you are saying.

SECRET #1: Don’t approach men for conversation when they are not in an approach mode. Give them time and opportunity to be able to listen to you. They want to be there for you and give you what you need, but you have to understand that they need to have distractions removed, time to focus on the conversation, and a clear and defined understanding of what you want from them.

2. Men have been programmed for centuries to take care of the family.

When you take any complaint to him, even if you are only crying because your hair came out green instead of blonde, he unconsciously thinks it is his fault. If a man feels he is not taking good care of you, (and complaints are translated into thinking you are not happy with him,) he experiences tremendous physiological discomfort. He hears your problem as HIS failure. Withdrawal is his protection in these situations.

SECRET #2: Don’t misinterpret the silent male or underestimate how much you mean to him. He is highly vulnerable to you.

3. Men do not heal from emotional wounds as well as women do.

Who cares more for their lover, men or women? If you answered men do, you would be right. In general, after divorce, men re-marry sooner than women do, don’t live as long as their ex-wife does, and their suicide levels go up more. When a man sees silence in the relationship, he thinks everything is fine. However, if a woman is not talking, she is probably planning to leave. Only 50% of men in a troubled relationship know there is a problem. The rest say they never saw the breakup coming.

SECRET #3: You give meaning to your guy’s life. You matter far more to him than either of you realize. Be careful and kind with your words.

4. Men relate to other people better by doing activities with them.

Women get a chemical hit from talking. Men do not experience this rush of feeling good when they are talking to someone. They often feel that words get in the way of experiencing the moment. Men get a rush of good feelings when they are taking action or are engaged in physical activity. They also love to share activities with their favorite woman.

SECRET #4: Find at least one activity that you both have a passion for and do it together. This strengthens your bond and gives him a sense of success.

5. Men love routine.

Men take comfort in routine. To change schedules, plans, or even homes, is upsetting for him. He wants his time to be free from turmoil so he can hyper focus and concentrate on taking care of his work, and ultimately, the family.

SECRET #5: Build some loving routines together. You might think that you are both just wordlessly watching TV, while he might see that activity as part of your togetherness. Predictable patterns in your relationship keep him grounded.

The above five secrets can change the level of happiness in your relationship. Add kindness and nurturing, and if you have chosen a good guy, you will have a new best friend. This is how you talk to a man.

Visit http://www.singlesdatingtips.com for more tips, skills, and insight on dating, relationships, singles, and love. Subscribe to our F*ree Savvy Dating Newsletter from master single’s coach, life coach, and syndicated columnist, Tonja Weimer. Copyright 2006, Tonja Weimer. (Please note source if reprinting this article.)

Transforming Anger

Country music star Tim McGraw sings a song with this line: “I don’t know why you gotta’ be angry all the time.” It’s a good question for us to ponder, especially those of us who find ourselves expressing anger more than any other emotion. It’s easy, however, to become so used to the feeling of anger that it begins to feel normal. It’s not unusual for an angry person to fail to recognize that he or she is angry.

The internet and the bookstores are filled with all manner of tools under the category of anger management. There is no shortage of self-help items, some of them fairly effective and others not so much. The truth is that those of us who are truly angry and chronically angry have been this way for a very long time. It’s not that simple to “manage” that away.

Certainly, we can be strong-willed enough if we want to be to manage our behavior that is caused by our anger. But that’s just a case of behavioral modification. We can do that. We do it all the time when we walk away before slugging another person.

I’m suggesting another thing, something very different from managing our anger. I want to suggest that rather than managing our anger, perhaps we are able to transform it. Not merely changing our behavior, but literally changing the emotion that has the power to control us. Not just managing anger, transforming it. That is real inner change that lasts. That’s genuine emotional change that goes beyond having the will power to walk away from a fight or an argument. Just walking away changes nothing. Consider also, that just walking away simply stores up that episode of anger to erupt at another time.

We can only store up so mach anger in the baggage we carry around with us in life. Pretty soon, the baggage will be so heavy that we won’t be able to move it.

So what’s all this rhetoric about transforming anger? How in the world does one go about doing that? I have a few suggestions, some of them quite simple and straightforward. Not all of them will work for every person, but some of them will work and will give you the power to transform the anger that controls your life. Here they are:

  1. DO walk away from a fight or an argument, but when you do, take some time to write your feelings in a journal. Reflect on what happened and write it down. Date the entry and keep it for future reference. After you have written about several instances of your own need to have an outburst, you may begin to see a pattern that will help you better understand yourself. Writing down emotions in some sense allows you to own them and even transform them.
  2. Find one trusted friend that will listen to your feelings of anger and give you a safe, non-volatile place to vent your anger. Use that person as your sounding board and someone who is able to reflect back to you what you are feeling.
  3. Own your angry feelings to the point of trying to discover what might be underneath all that anger. When you feel anger, if there sadness underneath it? Or fear? Try to discover what’s underneath the masks you wear.
  4. Where does your anger really come from? Explore within yourself and try to determine the source of your anger. What is really hurting you? How long have you felt this anger? Again, what’s underneath it?

These simple suggestions will not transform your anger overnight, but they are self reflective enough to be much more than anger management techniques. The next time you have a need to stop your angry behavior in it’s tracks, commit yourself to also do a little inner exploration. You will find at some point that you are not merely managing angry episodes, you are transforming anger at its very core. That’s real transformation.


Dealing With Breakups And How To Get Him Back

It can be extremely trying and difficult when you have to deal with a breakup. Even so, there will be a few hardy souls, undaunted by the pain, who will want to discover how to get that ‘someone’ back. You are going to need to know what options are available to you when dealing with a breakup. The foremost thought going through your mind after breaking up…how to get him back? If that is the case, and you are looking for ways of getting him back, then you should seriously think over all possible options.

Why Do You Want Him Back?

Seriously, you have just broke up with him, why do you want him back? The majority of people want their ex boyfriend back because, to them, a relationship provides stability. If this is your only reason for wanting him back, rethink the decision you are about to make. When you are having to deal with a breakup, this is an very important question you should be asking yourself. At this moment, how to get him back, may not be the most appropriate question to be asking or thinking.

Do You Want Him Back?

You need to be taking a long hard look at the relationship that just broke apart. In the first place, why did you both breakup with each other? How are you feeling, good and/or bad, about him? I mean was he a good boyfriend, who genuinely cared about you? We tend to only thing of the good stuff that happened after a breakup, because we are sad and miss the relationship. We really need to step back and look at all that was happening in the relationship, including the bad moments.

Does He Want You Back?

Are you considering how he thinks about the situation? Is taking you back, even a possibility? Boys are boys and some will not want to be bothered rebuilding the relationship, whereas, others will be open to the idea. If you want him back, try to think about thinks through his perspective. If after thinking for awhile, you feel he might be open to getting back together, go for it. If, on the other hand you think he will not think its feasible to rebuild the relationship, move on with life.

Put some serious thought into all these questions about the relationship and the breakup. Do your thinking before you attempt to get him back. Your boyfriend must be open to the idea of taking you back as well. If he is not open to getting back with you, why even bother wasting time on him?

After all this thinking and soul searching, you mat come to the conclusion you want the stability of having a steady relationship and the comfort it provides. And it may not be with the boyfriend you thought you wanted back. It is a waste of life trying to figure out how to get him back and attempting to win someone back you do not even want to be with any longer.


Real Answers To Fix Your Marriage & Get Your Ex Back

Have you ever wanted to know how to really get you wife back, even after you have messed up big time? Do doubts and the feelings of being lost without a clue hit you in your time of need? Then you need to take heed of what I am about to tell you.

I will try to spread some help to you with a few tips that have worked wonders for others.

I know you are sitting there reading this and feeling helpless and dumb, not knowing what to do. You have to get out of this clueless hole you are in. Are you gonna stay there? Or do something about it. If you are serious, then you better get busy. And I here to try and give you some direction.

First thing you need to do is change your way of thinking, it got you here in the first place. You have to stop feeling that you are a MAN, and I can’t do that, I can’t beg. If she’s mad at you, then you deserve it, and you need to be something different in her eyes to make this work. You have to come to the realization that you did mess up, and following the same old path will not be productive to your cause. No excuses, agree with it, and don’t be trying to defend whatever it is that you did. No lies, no cover up to your deed, just total honesty. Losing your wife is a big deal, and everything you do now is a big deal, and everything you did then is a big deal.

Second thing you need to do is not approach her with the same old story that you won’t let it happen again. It won’t work this time. You have got to make her believe you mean it, and words are not gonna do it. Whatever it is that you may have done, you need to stop doing that now, or at least be on your way to repairing that behaviour.

Get some help if you need it, counseling, whatever. Do this before you start to talk to your wife about how you are gonna change. Let her, and mostly yourself, see and know you are doing something about it. This will help prove to yourself and to her that you are indeed serious about making changes.

I know, I know, it is hard work, and that’s because it is. You are probably feeling that you are fine the way you are, but remember, the way you are got you to this point in your marriage. Obviously the way you were was not good enough, or else we would not be having this discussion.

If you can let your manly pride and stubbornness step aside, and realize what I have told you is the truth, then you can be on the road to get your wife back. There is a lot more to tell you, but I can’t list all the tips here.

Do you really want to get your wife back? If you really want to get your wife back, and are truly serious about it, then I recommend you you check out my other tips and resources on my website. You will be glad you did.

For more information please visit my website for tips and advice Fix YOur Relationship


What Can I Do To Stop My Divorce?

Your wife has just asked for a divorce. More than anything in the world you want to make sure that doesn’t happen. You love your wife and you know that she still loves you. You believe you just need to sit down together and work things out. You know you’ve hurt her in the past and are willing to change. But you don’t know how to even get her to listen to what you have to say. What can you do to stop your divorce? You can’t accept that your marriage is over or that it’s too late for the two of you. What should your next move be?

It isn’t enough to just stop your divorce though. You need to take action to save your marriage too. You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. More importantly you need to convince your wife that you’re willing to do that as well. If you can’t make her believe that you’re going to go the extra mile to make your marriage work then there is little you can do to stop your divorce because she’s not going to be feeling it.

Once you make the decision that you want to pull things together and stop your divorce once and for all there are things you can do that will put you on more even footing with your wife. In fact, they may even get your wife to listen to you when she may not have been willing to before. The first thing you need to do is let your wife know how much you appreciate her. Tell her all the things you see now that she does for you to make your life easier and how empty and lonely your life will be without her in it. This alone may not be enough to save your marriage but it can at least get her to think about the possibility of making it work between the two of you.

The next step you need to take is to let your wife know how much you NEED her in your life. This goes beyond your appreciation of the things she does for you and digs deep into the fact that you believe you’re a better man with her than you could ever be on your own. This will get her attention in a big way because more than anything in this world, your wife wants to feel like she’s needed. She needs to be needed by you.

It’s not a major personality overhaul. You don’t have to sacrifice who you are or even really swallow your pride to get your wife’s attention. But if you wait too long to do these things you’ll be trying to get your ex back after the fact instead of trying to stop your divorce.


Relationship Advice – A Guide for Men Getting Over Divorce

There is no question men and women often respond differently to the breakup of a relationship. There is no uniform way for all men and all women to react after a relationship is over. Everyone is different, just like every relationship is different.

The first thing a man needs to acknowledge after a divorce is that he needs to take some time to grieve. Men can be prone to trying to hide or ignore their emotions in many cases. This is not a time to do this. While you don’t have to outwardly tell everyone how upset you are, you need to take the proper amount of time to feel the sadness and grief over losing such an important relationship in your life. No one wants to fail at marriage, so it’s very normal for you to have feelings of mourning.

One big thing to remember after a divorce is you should not jump right back into the dating world. First of all, you need some time to get used to being alone so you can figure out who you are without a partner. Secondly, if you jump right back into dating, then that means you are going to be taking with you some serious baggage from the dissolution of your marriage. That’s not fair to a new partner who will have to be there as you continue to work through the grief and problems.

Once you do decide to start dating again, don’t immediately jump back into a relationship. It might be very tempting as it can get lonely being on your own, but you need to play the field and meet many different people so you can figure out what type of woman you’re looking for. This is especially true if you feel like your ability to choose the right female in your life has been incorrect. Making major decisions just after a divorce is not a good idea. Plus, many of the women you will be dating have probably also gone through a divorce and need adequate time to adjust as well.

One final thought is it is best if you don’t make your entire life revolve around dating and finding a new mate. Instead, figure out what you like to do, and enjoy those things more. If you want to go fishing with your pals, take the time to do that instead of being so focused on finding someone to replace your lost love.

What emotions are at the heart of any problems you are experiencing with the breakup of your relationship? Do you see the part you played in it coming to an end?

For nearly 25 years Beverleigh Piepers has searched for and found the principles to help you get to the root causes of your crisis.

The solution is not in the endless volumes of information you find across the internet, or the advice your friends give… it’s in yourself; the thoughts that make you who you are.

Smith Barlay has a wild passion of IT, especially IT Certifications, IT Exams, Internet, Searchengine Optimization techniques and Social Media.

Resolving Your Marriage That Seems To Be On The Rocks

So, you think that your marriage is in trouble. It may be that you and your spouse just are not communicating, you are constantly arguing over trivial things, or a host of other reasons may be the cause of a steadily eroding situation.

In today’s high-speed society the various lifestyle events that target our marital relationships include career pressures, neighbor issues, pets, extended family issues, situations that involve children, and many other issues. Primary among these, are probably job and children issues.

A typical scenario might go something like this:

Marilyn, who has a good job as a financial analysist at a large brokerage firm, has severe deadlines that must be met in order for her to do well, be in line for career advancement and be right as often as possible in her analysis of financial events. She lives in a very competitive environment, is paid well, but is under constant stress at work.

Jeff, her husband is in insurance sales, and also has a highly competitive, yet well paying career. He has done well, yet is still under pressure to always do better. He has an excellent track record and is in line for a promotion. He does work 2 evenings per week, as that is when many of his family clients are available.

Jeff and Marilyn have two children, a girl age 12, and a boy age 14. The children are well behaved and do well in school, but are active socially and do have school functions that Marilyn and Jeff attend as often as possible.

Over the years, the job pressures have taken their toll on the marriage as the two careers have take an inordinate amount of time away from family and alone-time for the two parents. As the children have grown into their teen years, new challenges have created unique and interesting problems for the family.

Communications between Jeff and Marilyn have deteriorated to the point that they rarely spend any time together alone, as they are mostly putting out fires, both at their jobs and at home as their children have become more involved in school and in social time with their friends.

The marriage has lost it’s original basis of love and caring for one another and has become a bad example of how two people barely tolerate one another. Clearly, if this marriage is to survive, Jeff and Marilyn are going to have to find a way to communicate and talk about what they want to happen. This will have to involve some kind of marital advice that will give them a track to run on.

This is the major problem when marriages begin to drift – the orginal purpose that couples see for them to marry in the first place, becomes replace with all the life events that quickly overwhelm us from circumstances totally outside of our marriage.

People who are serious about saving the marriage, and truly are willing to get some sort of marital assistance, can solve many of the issues that got them in trouble in the first place. It does require that both parties be willing to honestly deal with the issues and should be the first step in attempting to resolve marital difficulties.


What Should You Do To Save Your Relationship After The Affair?

If you’re the cheated on spouse in a marriage that has been torn apart by infidelity, you’re probably spending a lot of time trying to figure out what you should do after the affair has been exposed. There are no easy answers. To some extent, every spouse in this situation will have to work this out for themselves.

Learning how to cope with a cheating spouse and how to try to rebuild a marriage after an affair is going to test your patience and your fortitude. There are a few things, however, that will help you move forward with your life though. Do these things so you can get back on with the business of living and stop dwelling on what has happened, it’s all in the past and it cannot be undone.

Take care of your pain first

As the cheated on spouse you need to take steps to build a firm internal foundation before you even begin to think about rebuilding a firm foundation in your marriage. That means learning how to effectively manage all of those negative thoughts and emotions, images of the affair, and self-doubts that are now tormenting you. Only when you have regained some semblance of internal peace will you be able to tackle the other problems in your marriage.

Begin working and healing together as a couple

Understandably you probably have a lot of anger toward your spouse, but even so, you need to work on effectively communicating with him or her. After the affair, communicating with your spouse will prove to be quite challenging. After all, emotions are raw and running high, so it will take a lot of effort on the part of both you and your spouse to work together on your communication skills.

Rebuilding the foundation of your marriage

When you and your spouse start communicating in a positive manner instead of angry outbursts and fault finding, then you are ready to begin recreating a stronger foundation for your marriage. Alas, this is no easy journey. It will take time and commitment to the work, not just time alone to overcome the obstacles standing in your way long after the affair is over.


If Obama Honeymoon is Over, Is Divorce Next?

I’m not breaking any new ground here or telling you something you don’t already know, but Barack Obama is not exactly living any glory days as President recently. This is kind of reinforced by the following headline I noticed on the Drudge Report on Tuesday: WASHPOSTABCNEWS POLL: Confidence in Obama reaches new low… The report starts out very bluntly by stating that “nearly six in 10 voters say they lack faith in the president to make the right decisions for the country.” If that isn’t even a little sobering to the administration, then they have better poker faces than Darth Vader. This is certainly a far cry from a Jan. 16, 2009 Gallup poll that showed an 83 percent approval rating for then President Elect Obama’s handling of the transition to the Oval Office and a 64 percent confidence rating in his ability to be a good president.

Having said that, here’s a question that many before me have already asked: What the hell happened? I mean…you know…hope and change, man!

One of the most obvious culprits is the economy, which in the last few years has tanked almost worse than Crystal Pepsi, Cop Rock, and Mel Gibson. Now I’m not saying that George W. Bush did not have a hand in the country’s current economic situation. There is certainly a degree of validity to some of the claims that the current administration inherited a few things from previous one, namely the fact that spending was already a nightmare under Dubya, particularly in his last couple of years in office. When Obama took office, the federal government was already hemorrhaging money faster than Lindsay Lohan can sweat vodka.

The way I see it, this was a prime opportunity for the president to seize on the "hope and change" theme. No matter how you slice it, the rampant spending wasn’t working, and Obama could have truly set himself up for success and shown he was more of a maverick than John McCain if he had simply said, "No more." Instead, what we got was more of the same, especially in the form of the $787 billion stimulus package…you know, the one that the president said in January of last year would cut off the national unemployment rate at 8 percent if it was enacted. I’m happy to report that it worked as promised…oh, wait. What’s that, Alex Trebek? "Ooh, sorry. The answer is, ‘What is pipe dream?’ ‘"  According to the Department of Labor website, unemployment was at 9.5 percent in June, but hey, at least it didn’t hit 12 or 13 percent. Right, Mr. President?

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Morning Motivation: Moving Past a Divorce or Breakup

A Native American Sauk Elder named Black Hawk explained that in his tribe, newlyweds spend one year together just getting to know each other and deciding if they can be a happily married couple. If not, they simply walk away from that relationship and seek new partners. There are no lawyers or papers. There is no shame or sense of failure. It simply didn’t work out, and both people move on.

Similarly, the Celtic Handfasting Ceremony celebrates a couple’s pledge to love and cherish each other for only one year and a day. After that period of time, they can choose to make a new pledge for another period of time, or seek new relationships that will bring more happiness.

What I particularly like about these approaches to committed relationships is their focus on happiness instead of guilt. Couples are not expected to simply endure the pain of an unhappy relationship because they have vowed to stay together “for the children” or “until death do them part.” People are truly free to be in a vibrant relationship that makes them both happy, whether that is with each other or other partners. If people choose to separate despite their best efforts to find happiness together, the focus immediately turns to both people finding happiness in the future instead of feeling guilt about the past.

Things are a little different in our society, where guilt surrounds us all the time. We have terms such as “failed marriage” and “failed relationship.” People often delay their own happiness while pointing an accusatory finger at someone for the “failure” of the past.

The concept of failure is an illusion! Failure is a meaningless judgment; we simply learn from all of our experiences, including a divorce or breakup:

  • “For some reason, we see divorce as a signal of failure, despite the fact that each of us has a right, and an obligation, to rectify any other mistake we make in life.” – Joyce Brothers
  • “We are divorced, we are friends, and we are good parents.” – Sarah Ferguson
  • “When people divorce, it’s always such a tragedy. At the same time, if people stay together it can be even worse.” – Monica Bellucci
  • “Re-examine all you have been told . . . Dismiss what insults your Soul.” – Walt Whitman
  • Divorce is like a root canal: never wanted, sometimes needed.” – Elizabeth J Griffith

If you are struggling with a divorce or breakup today, may you start the day by shifting your focus from guilt or blame about past “failures” to new happiness and new possibilities in the future!

To read other motivational and inspirational thoughts throughout the day, follow me on Twitter:


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