Tag Archives: divorce law

How Do I Move On After My Divorce?

It’s been a little while since your divorce was final. You keep hearing from friends and family that it’s time to move on. They mean well. You just don’t think you’re ready to do it. There are too many unresolved feelings going on inside of you right now and you still aren’t sure you’re ready to give up on the dreams you had for your marriage. In your heart and in your head your marriage just isn’t over yet no matter what the divorce papers in your hand might say. How do you move on after my divorce when you’re just not ready to let go?

It happens all the time. In most divorces there is usually one person who didn’t want things to end just yet. That’s the way it happens in almost every relationship ending. A lot of times, marriages could have easily been salvaged with a little time and trying but once lawyers get involved there is a lot of ill will that is created and then driven at breakneck speeds towards the finish lines known as divorce courts. What you need to know though is that divorce court doesn’t have to be the finish line for your marriage. It’s not too late to save your marriage even if it feels like it is.

Of course, there are things you can do, if you are determined to move on after your divorce. You may want your marriage back in your heart but believe in your mind that it’s water under the bridge. If that’s the case for you, you need to get out, about, and active. Your best chances for moving on after a divorce involve meeting someone else or learning to love being with yourself. Humans are social creatures though so if you aren’t looking for ways to get your ex back then you need to find a way to fill up the hours you would have otherwise spent with your ex.

But if you do want to work to resurrect your marriage from the ashes of divorce, it isn’t too late. Even after the lawyers got to you both and had you hurling some pretty hurtful accusations and insinuations in all directions it’s STILL possible to save your marriage after divorce.

You just need to spend a little time coming up with a game plan that is designed to make your relationship work this time around and eliminate a lot of the finger pointing that might have been present in your relationship before. Forgiveness is key though whether you decided to move on after your divorce or you want to get your husband back and work things out.


A Mother Knows: Helping Your Child Cope With Divorce

I’m living in teenage hell.

The “glitter is more, cleaning is a chore, mothers are a bore, in two seconds flat you are at war, and YOU just want to yell, ‘Shut the front door’” kind.

I’m not really sure how else to describe it.

Today I was asked a plethora of questions from the minute I picked her up from school, til the 10 minutes it took to get us home. It started with, “How was your day?” and quickly progressed to “Why are you always so mean?” ending with, “Are you starting menopause?”

I felt like I arrived fresh-faced, then emerged with scars so deep that hours of Heidi Montag plastic surgery wouldn’t smooth them out.

Yes, parents ruin lives. That is exactly what we set out to do when we have children. I actually made a conscious decision that I would be in labor for three days, beg for drugs only not to receive them, give birth, put in important mommy time by introducing her to BIG ideas and fostering cognitive development just to squash any dream she may imagine for her life.

Hey, go big or go home, right?

But tomorrow I am seeking revenge. I am going to wear her Uggs. And her favorite shirt. And then, I’m going to test-drive her jewelry, use her new straight iron, and make-out with her life-sized Justin Bieber cut out. Well, not really. Cause that would be creepy. But I am going to wear her Uggs. Just because I can. And I may use her shirt as a cleaning rag. But that would be over the top. You know what? Maybe I won’t even go in her room at all. Take that.

Truth be told our relationship blurs the lines of friend and mom. It’s probably 2.3 parts friend; 1.7 parts mom. For a long time it was just the two of us. Then along came a spider who sat down beside her stealing her curds and whey (figuratively that would be me, the mom). And there were three… then four… then five of us.

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I began my writing career over 15 years ago reporting for local newspapers on anything and everything of interest to women. I even traveled to Nicaragua for a series of articles on the women’s movement in Central America. I’ve also written for many Connecticut-based magazines. …

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When in Doubt Talk it out

Things in the marriage are a little rough. No one seems to be happy. Everything the couple has done to help seems to have gone flat. Perhaps some of the basics like trust, love, and communication skills are all under fire. So what is keeping the ring on the finger? Is it just doubt? Maybe by reviewing some possible fears and doubts there can be some resolution to the situation.

1. Can love ever be found again?

There is no concrete answer to that question. The future is unsure. Is there real love in the situation now? Is it more about companionship? However, as long as there is a committed relationship with a ring and vows no one should be out looking for other options. So if one is ready for a new love, divorce seems the viable option.

2. What about the children?

Children will be affected. However, if it is handled correctly they will be able to deal with the changing situation. Divorce parents should remember to put the children’s needs first after the divorce and keep quibbling away from them. They don’t belong in the middle. Children will be affected if they stay in a marriage with unhappy and fighting parents as well.

3. Who gets the friends?

No matter how hard all the friends try and stay neutral, decisions have to be made. Awkward moments may occur when divorced parties show up at the same function. It’s fair to say that making new friends will have to happen if divorce is the choice. Old friends will still be there, but personal growth will require enlarging social circles.

4. Can I make it financially?

The party with the best lawyer gets the money. Having another source of income and a place to live are very real concerns and should be a part of the decision. Make sure if divorce is the option those issues are covered in the paper work. If education is needed include those costs in the settlement agreement.

5. Is there any way we can make this work?

This may be one of the biggest doubts. Normally, marriage starts out with two people who truly have deep feelings for one another and have a common goal of a lifetime of happiness. People don’t just wake up one morning and decide they have no love for their partner. It comes in little steps and stages. So it would make sense that maybe little steps back towards each other may do the same thing. The truth is two people who want to make things work, no matter what can probably succeed. If one of the parties has hesitation then it is probably better to cut the ties.

If divorce is the option, protect each other from hate, because of the feeling you used to have. Practice forgiveness and divorce with dignity.



Seven Golden Rules For Separating Parents

The turmoil children go through when their parents are separating is unmeasurable. Not only are they facing the prospect of everything they’ve ever known being ripped apart, but they often question their own role in the break-up. Ever watched a movie or television program where a child thinks she must have done something wrong to cause her parents to separate? There’s a reason that storylines like these are often featured – it’s because it happens. Children do not deserve to feel responsible for their parents’ relationship breakdown, and parents owe their children the very best possible care throughout the bumpy road of a separation or divorce.

Here are 7 crucial rules to note and remember:

Rule 1: Do not, under any circumstances, argue and shout about your separation in front of your child. This is particularly important if you are fighting about the child. It’s so easy to let your frustration and anger lead you into yet another heated session of name-calling and blame-giving, but keep it out of earshot of your child. If she hears an angry debate that is about her then she might think the whole problem is with her. The last thing you want is your child to start thinking that she is the causes of her parents’ pain and anger. Take deep breaths and calm yourself down. Nothing you say at that moment is important enough to override the potential damage to your child if she hears you scream at one another about her.

Rule 2: Even without your child overhearing arguments between her parents that are about her, she may still blame herself for your separation and needs to be constantly reassured that it’s NOT her fault. Tell her that Mommy and Daddy have some trouble getting along. Tell her that NOTHING she has EVER done has caused this problem. Explain in kind and simple terms that no matter what happens both of you love her deeply and always will. Get the message through to her, and be sure to tell her again and again, as often as is needed. Do not assume that just because she hasn’t approached you to ask if it’s her fault that she isn’t blaming herself anyway. She is likely to be very confused about her role in your problems so do your absolute best to take away any guilt she may be feeling.

Rule 3: Do not use your child as a pawn, or a bargaining tool. For example, do not threaten to take your child away from your partner forever just to get what you want. Your child is there to be nurtured and raised in the best possible environment you can both provide. She is not a means to an end. If there is a genuine danger to your child from your partner then you should protect her at all costs with official intervention if necessary.

Rule 4: Do not use your child as a message carrier, a go-between, or try to poison her opinion of your partner. You may feel complete and utter hatred towards your partner but your child still loves her parent dearly. When it comes to bitter exchanges, “Tell your father this”, or, “Give your mother that”, is always a bad idea that will influence her opinions and actions. Encourage and plan positive meetings, pleasant phone calls, happy stay-overs, and fun days out, but messages of hatred delivered by an innocent child are not good for her.

Rule 5: Talk to your child. She is facing one of the most confusing and traumatic times of her young life, so talk her through it. Using her own terminology, explain what is happening and what is expected to happen next. Do not make wild promises to her that you will be forced to break, instead concentrate on spending as much time with her as you can and offering reassurance and explanation. You might think you are protecting your child, but shielding her from the reality of your situation is non-beneficial. She will be able to cope far better if she understands in her own terms what is going on.

Rule 6: Your child is not there for information gathering. No matter how tempting it may be to gain the edge in a messy divorce or separation, intrusive questions or spying techniques are to be avoided. The pressure on a child who is keeping secrets from a parent is immense, and similarly a mission to gain knowledge for a parent carries too much pressure. It’s simply not good for her to be deceitful in this way.

Rule 7: Remember to listen to your child. Many parents overlook the fact that their child wants to feel she has some control at a time where she has very little. Give her some control. If you are moving to a new area discuss the new living arrangements. Talk to her about her new school, get her to make simple decisions about simple things, like the decor in her new room, or deciding that a certain day of the week will be her day and what she wants to do. A few small positives will help her during a time when negatives are likely to be prominent.

Divorce, or separation is often unavoidable and the impact on any child or children involved will be huge. The potential for psychological and emotional damage to your child during this distressing time for her should be kept to a minimum. Seek professional help if you can, and use common sense always. Do not let your high-running emotions cloud your judgement or decision making. Your child is number one and she needs both parents to be thinking of her welfare before any other matter.


How to know when the time has come for a divorce

If you sit there and wonder about life without your spouse, then this could be one sign, that you are heading for a divorce. If there was nothing wrong with your relationship and you were happy, you would not consider being without your partner. When you are deeply in love and truly happy, it is all about the word ‘we’, but when things start to fuzzle out, it becomes all about the word ‘I’.

Waking up in the morning with the thought that today is just going to be another day and even when your partner leans in for a kiss, nothing shakes you from that feeling, it is not a good sign. Especially if this happens a lot. We all have bad days, but when you have the love of your life by your side, you should be able to see some hope in the day and anything that comes of it.

When you are left at home most of the time on your own, wondering when you will get to spend some special time with your spouse and after a few months, starting to get pretty annoyed because they have not listened to you, this is not the sign of a happy marriage. Maybe you are the partner who likes to go out every night and leaves your other half at home, you should be asking yourself why. Do you not want to spend alone time with your partner, or are you just happy knowing they are there for you when you need them? A marriage needs time with each other as well as time alone. You need to be thoughtful of how your other half may be feeling.

Communication gets hard at times. Have you found yourselves going around in circles? Are you speaking about the same problems time and time again, but not resolving them because no one is listening? Do you find yourself with so much to complain about that you do not know where to begin and so you just keep it all inside until you burst? Are you arguing on a weekly basis, where you are so full of anger that you are not able to speak without raised voices and one of you just walks out to return late and sleep on the sofa? All of this is a sign that you are just not communicating properly and without that, your marriage will fail. Unless one of you pretends to be happy and denys yourself as a person. 


Divorce Is Not The Answer: How To Stop Divorce

Marriages take work. Sometimes it can even be difficult and your spouse can take the life out of you. When you’re constantly fighting, when you’re not attracted to your spouse anymore, when you feel neglected, or when an affair happens, the most common thing couples do today is get a divorce. In the United States, when a couple gets married, there’s a fifty-fifty chance that the marriage will end in divorce.

In today’s modern world, people are so busy with their individual lives and careers that taking time to sit down and work on a marriage is no longer an option. Divorce has become so accepted in Western cultures that it has become a normal phase in one’s life. But divorce, no matter how common, is the second most devastating thing to happen to anyone, next to the death of a spouse.

When you decide to get a divorce, you have an idealized vision of what your life will be without that person. You think that your life will be so much better once your spouse is out of your life and you become single again. You hope to find someone else who will love you better and that you’ll live happily ever after. However, the grass is never greener on the other side, contrary to what you might think.

Even if the divorce may be a mutual decision between you and your spouse, it causes a world of chaos and pain to the both of you. If you have kids, you sometimes don’t take their well being into consideration. Divorce affects them as much or even more as it affects you. If you still have love for each other, then maybe divorce is not the answer. All marriages have rough patches, but it doesn’t mean you should give up that easily just because divorce is so available.

Before the documents are filed and before one of you moves out of the house, consider giving the marriage another try. You owe it your past and the love that you once had to at least do something before you make that decision. As soon as you know that your marriage may be heading towards that path, seek help immediately. You can get couples counseling, talk to your pastor or priest, or even seek help from friends and family. Try to remember your good times, look at your old photographs, read your old love letters etc. Do things that will make you remember and feel the love that you once had. And if these don’t work, ask your spouse to put the divorce on hold. Take this time in making your spouse fall in love with you again. Divorce is not only painful and costly, but most of the time it isn’t even necessary.

If you or someone you know is wanting to get back with an ex, or needing help in their relationship before the breakup happens, here is a website that can help The Magic of Making Up

To go directly to the article titled “How Can I Get My Wife To Love Me Again” click this link.

If Obama Honeymoon is Over, Is Divorce Next?

I’m not breaking any new ground here or telling you something you don’t already know, but Barack Obama is not exactly living any glory days as President recently. This is kind of reinforced by the following headline I noticed on the Drudge Report on Tuesday: WASHPOSTABCNEWS POLL: Confidence in Obama reaches new low… The report starts out very bluntly by stating that “nearly six in 10 voters say they lack faith in the president to make the right decisions for the country.” If that isn’t even a little sobering to the administration, then they have better poker faces than Darth Vader. This is certainly a far cry from a Jan. 16, 2009 Gallup poll that showed an 83 percent approval rating for then President Elect Obama’s handling of the transition to the Oval Office and a 64 percent confidence rating in his ability to be a good president.

Having said that, here’s a question that many before me have already asked: What the hell happened? I mean…you know…hope and change, man!

One of the most obvious culprits is the economy, which in the last few years has tanked almost worse than Crystal Pepsi, Cop Rock, and Mel Gibson. Now I’m not saying that George W. Bush did not have a hand in the country’s current economic situation. There is certainly a degree of validity to some of the claims that the current administration inherited a few things from previous one, namely the fact that spending was already a nightmare under Dubya, particularly in his last couple of years in office. When Obama took office, the federal government was already hemorrhaging money faster than Lindsay Lohan can sweat vodka.

The way I see it, this was a prime opportunity for the president to seize on the "hope and change" theme. No matter how you slice it, the rampant spending wasn’t working, and Obama could have truly set himself up for success and shown he was more of a maverick than John McCain if he had simply said, "No more." Instead, what we got was more of the same, especially in the form of the $787 billion stimulus package…you know, the one that the president said in January of last year would cut off the national unemployment rate at 8 percent if it was enacted. I’m happy to report that it worked as promised…oh, wait. What’s that, Alex Trebek? "Ooh, sorry. The answer is, ‘What is pipe dream?’ ‘"  According to the Department of Labor website, unemployment was at 9.5 percent in June, but hey, at least it didn’t hit 12 or 13 percent. Right, Mr. President?

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Morning Motivation: Moving Past a Divorce or Breakup

A Native American Sauk Elder named Black Hawk explained that in his tribe, newlyweds spend one year together just getting to know each other and deciding if they can be a happily married couple. If not, they simply walk away from that relationship and seek new partners. There are no lawyers or papers. There is no shame or sense of failure. It simply didn’t work out, and both people move on.

Similarly, the Celtic Handfasting Ceremony celebrates a couple’s pledge to love and cherish each other for only one year and a day. After that period of time, they can choose to make a new pledge for another period of time, or seek new relationships that will bring more happiness.

What I particularly like about these approaches to committed relationships is their focus on happiness instead of guilt. Couples are not expected to simply endure the pain of an unhappy relationship because they have vowed to stay together “for the children” or “until death do them part.” People are truly free to be in a vibrant relationship that makes them both happy, whether that is with each other or other partners. If people choose to separate despite their best efforts to find happiness together, the focus immediately turns to both people finding happiness in the future instead of feeling guilt about the past.

Things are a little different in our society, where guilt surrounds us all the time. We have terms such as “failed marriage” and “failed relationship.” People often delay their own happiness while pointing an accusatory finger at someone for the “failure” of the past.

The concept of failure is an illusion! Failure is a meaningless judgment; we simply learn from all of our experiences, including a divorce or breakup:

  • “For some reason, we see divorce as a signal of failure, despite the fact that each of us has a right, and an obligation, to rectify any other mistake we make in life.” – Joyce Brothers
  • “We are divorced, we are friends, and we are good parents.” – Sarah Ferguson
  • “When people divorce, it’s always such a tragedy. At the same time, if people stay together it can be even worse.” – Monica Bellucci
  • “Re-examine all you have been told . . . Dismiss what insults your Soul.” – Walt Whitman
  • Divorce is like a root canal: never wanted, sometimes needed.” – Elizabeth J Griffith

If you are struggling with a divorce or breakup today, may you start the day by shifting your focus from guilt or blame about past “failures” to new happiness and new possibilities in the future!

To read other motivational and inspirational thoughts throughout the day, follow me on Twitter:


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Why Money Matters in Marriage

As the old Beatles song goes, “Money can’t buy me love.” However, the fact remains that money plays a very important role in our relationships.

Indeed, if you have decided to get engaged, this is when the soul-searching begins. No, I’m not referring to choosing the perfect caterer for your dream wedding, but to the realities of everyday life. Ideally, when you were still dating, you and your partner probably discussed finances, and perhaps even commented on how your parents run their own households. But now that there’s a new life ahead of you, you can determine your own financial future.

Getting married definitely changes your financial landscape. So don’t only talk about wedding halls and caterers. Discuss your single credit card bills and spending habits. Decide whether you’ll have a joint account or a combination of separate and joint accounts. Discuss your long-term financial goals as well as the daily technical stuff, such as who will balance the checkbook and pay the bills. Most importantly, be open and honest with each other about your finances.

Take care of the paperwork

At the same time, whether this is your first or second marriage, make or update your will. Review your health and life insurance policies (and rental insurance if you’ll be renting). Do names need to be changed on bank statements and cell phone bills? Calculate a combined net worth to know where you are as a couple and then develop a budget. If you begin your married life with a clear financial picture and goals, you have a greater chance of avoiding the finance-related conflicts that plague many couples.

Overspending strains budgets and relationships. All too often, financial difficulties are a key factor in divorce. One client, in the midst of a divorce, told me, “We made some poor financial decisions when married, but now that I’m leaving her, it’s impossible to escape the consequences of those decisions. I’ll be paying off the accumulated joint debt and child support for decades.” Indeed, there’s a reason why divorcees frequently have a lower life style when separated than while living together: two households are more expensive to run than one. If you see your ex living it high, while you’re keeping to a tight budget, don’t assume s/he knows what s/he’s doing and is living the good life. Being practical and budget-minded may not be fun, but these are the characteristics of building a solid fiscal foundation.

Whether newly married or newly divorced, when you’re standing at the crossroads of your life, take the greatest care that the decisions you make are financially sound.

Disclaimer: Douglas Goldstein, CFP®, is the director of Profile Investment Services and the host of the Goldstein on Gelt radio show. He is a licensed financial professional both in the U.S. and Israel. Securities offered through Portfolio Resources Group, Inc., Member FINRA, SIPC, MSRB, NFA, SIFMA. Accounts carried by National Financial Services LLC. Member NYSE/SIPC, a Fidelity Investments company.

Want to read more great articles on finance and marriage? Go to http://www.profileperspectives.com for more articles on personal finance and great money management tips.

Boredom in Relationships

If we look into cases of Divorce and Infidelity we can see that many of them have resulted from the Boredom in the relationship. In the initial or honeymoon phase in marriages or living relationships every thing tends to go well. After the initial passion dies down in the relationship many find the relationship boring and meaningless. In the beginning the Couples in relationship genuinely try to spend more and more time with each other and do things to please each other. But as the relationship goes on for a long time it is often noticed that in relationships boredom creeps up after a few years. This happens mostly because one tends to follow the same routine day in and day out. So the most obvious solution for this is to change the situation. Many people go on with this without complaining and many try to move on to green pastures creating situations like cheating ,extramarital Affairs or Divorce which is a wrong thing to do. Many couples blame each other for such conditions and the boredom in their relationship or marriage.

It is possible to avoid boredom in relationships. But as Relationships are a two way street it takes the effort of both the partners to make the relationships work. The Couples should try to offer some variation in their relationship and try to make things more interesting. They should also keep the Communication open and look for new ways to make everyday in life exciting.


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