This article is about how to end an affair with a psycho without losing limbs, having your house firebombed, having to join the Foreign Legion, and preferably without your spouse finding out about the affair at all.
Hopefully, if you realize that the other person is a psycho, you’ve limited the information they have about you. Preferably they don’t know your real last name, or where you work, but unless you’re dealing with a lower-tier psychopath, that probably isn’t true.
Any psycho worthy of the title probably has access to your bank and mortgage information, multiple copies of your identification, and has taken copious notes about every aspect of your life that can be found on Google – which is just about everything there is to know about you.
With that being said, what we’re looking at is the most effective way of limiting the damage done. You’re not going to eliminate it, but you can at least confine it a little.
The first step is you’re going to want to make sure you retrieve anything of yours from their place. Make extra sure to check all hairbrushes and the drains for anything with DNA on it (or that they can make a voodoo doll out of – I don’t really believe in that stuff, but better to be safe than sorry). You want to do this as inconspicuously as possible, of course.
You also want to change all your passwords – every single last one. Use a long password with both upper and lowercase letters and lots of numbers. Make it impossible to guess. I suggest you also find some excuse to change the locks at your home as well – even a minimally trained psycho will have made copies of all your keys.
Another good idea is to find some excuse to switch your cellphone carrier (and your number). I would suggest thoroughly breaking your phone and then telling your spouse something along the lines of ‘I’ve had nothing but problems with those guys, I’m going to switch companies.’ This is something you probably want to do shortly after the breakup.
As far as the actual breaking up part, you can either go with a public place – with lots of witnesses, to lower the risk of immediate and significant bodily harm being inflicted upon you – or you can go with a private place, and perhaps run the risk of being maimed (or worse). The choice is yours, but I’d personally just bring a gun, taser, pepper spray, and a well-trained pit bull, and do it in private. You probably want to invest in a bulletproof vest as well.
A great tip is to schedule your family vacation for right after your breakup. This way, it gives you a chance to set some things up so the barrage of hate-mail, severed fingers, and phone calls can be cleaned up in your absence by a trusted friend.
The preventative steps have mostly been taken, the only thing remaining is the actual break up.
There is no way around this part – you have to do it, and you have to be completely blunt. I don’t know if they teach these people to invariably deny a breakup in psycho school, but they will almost always ignore any but the clearest and most blunt statements when a breakup is involved.
You have to flat-out tell them – ‘Look, we can’t do this anymore, we need to stop seeing each other, I have three weeks to live and I don’t want to spend them with you.’ Or something equally forceful. They will thing you’re kidding otherwise, or twist your words and draw out of them what they want to hear. So you have to be straightforward and to the point. And then you need to get out of there – quickly.
After the breakup, it might take them an hour or two to absorb the information. Some psychos are more quick-witted than others, but you have to plan for the worst-case scenario and get out of there as fast as possible.
Ideally you were able to setup the family vacation concept, so you can get some space between you and your stalker, but if you didn’t, this will truly be the most difficult part.
You’re going to be faced with a barrage of emails, hate-mail, and phone calls. Unless your spouse is as dumb as a stump, they’re probably going to catch on at this point. This is where you’re going to have to get creative.
You’re probably going to have to frame them for murder. Note: while I don’t really recommend killing someone and framing someone else for having done it, desperate times call for desperate measures. If you really have to do this, make sure it’s someone really really annoying – like anyone that’s been on a reality show, Carrot-Top, or a really bad tipper.
In order to do this really effectively, you probably want the police to be able to uncover all sorts of drugs and illegal weapons from the psycho’s place, as well as death threats, copies of the anarchist cook-book, a serial-killer article scrapbook, and miscellaneous other related items.
You want even a Barney Fife type to know they are dealing with a completely deranged psycho here, so they never bother investigating further. You want them to just take your stalker, stick them in a straight-jacket and slap them in a padded room for the next 40 or fifty years.
The details, unfortunately, I’ll have to leave to you for legal reasons. Besides, I’ve given you so much incredibly valuable information already that you can surely pull this off. At the very worst, even if you don’t manage to frame them properly, and you get locked up instead, you’ll be safe from them, so the problem is solved either way. Who knows, you might end up in a nice comfortable cell with a great new friend to keep you warm at night.