In the wake of a breakup, you do a lot of thinking. When you’re lonely, you remember the good times the two of you had. You may decide the bad times weren’t that bad after all. You decide you want to try to restore the relationship.
One of the fundamental questions is what caused the breakup? Try not to think in terms of who’s to blame and instead try to analyze responsibility. Most breakups are the result of a series of actions spiraling downward until one party decides “enough is enough.”
Can you determine where the spiral originated? Who made the final decision to end the relationship?
It’s easier to initiate reconciliation if you’re the one who initiated the breakup, or if you’re the one who triggered the whole downward spiral. It’s a little trickier if it was your partner—he may have just been looking for an excuse to end the relationship. You may have to take more responsibility than you actually feel you should.
It’s also important to look at how situations have changed since the breakup occurred. Have either of you started seeing other people?
Besides initiating reconciliation, you need to determine what has to change to prevent the same problem from reoccurring. Focus on the changes YOU need to make. You probably aren’t in a position to make demands that he change. If you find that he is receptive to getting back together, it may be a good time to discuss unresolved issues in a non-confrontational manner. Perhaps it’s possible to negotiate a compromise. Consider changes that you need to make whether or not the future of this relationship is at stake.
Does he expect changes you’re unable or unwilling to sustain? How committed are you to rebuilding this relationship? Women who are lonely and desperate will often passively agree to do “whatever it takes” to salvage a relationship, only to find out too late that the relationship wasn’t worth the conditions to keep it going.
What if you make the necessary changes and it still isn’t enough to salvage the relationship? The end of a relationship is seldom 100% the fault of one party. While it may not be fifty-fifty, both parties had a part in the relationship’s end. And it will take both parties to rebuild the relationship and avoid a repeat of the same problems over and over.
If the relationship was impacted by substance abuse, infidelity, or domestic violence, it may not be worth saving. Or he may be unwilling to give the relationship another chance. Try not to take it personally. You might decide you want him back, but the final decision is in both your hands.
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