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Tips for Getting Over a Break-Up

It happens to the best of us. We fall in love with somebody and then that love goes sour, leading us into a break-up that can cause heartbreak. I’ve seen many people deal with break-ups over the years and I’ve found that a lot of people have different coping mechanisms, both good and bad. I’ve seen people attempt to get over a broken-heart in a healthy way, and, on the other hand, I’ve seen people deal with a breakup poorly. A broken heart can hurt more than a deep wound and those who have experienced it know what I’m talking about.

I’ve seen, with many people I’ve observed over the years, that even the worst heartache heals with time. The range of time that this takes can vary drastically from person to person. It also depends on the manner of the breakup. However, it is very important to put the past behind you. You need to make a conscious choice to move forward with your life and, in time, the pursuit of love again. There is a saying that “time heals all wounds”. I’ve found this to be true with many people. Lost love, heartache and issues from a previous relationship will usually fade with time. In this time, you may feel lonely or depressed but it’s important to realize that it will pass.

Some people believe that crying is a form of weakness, but sometimes it’s good to cry. Let it all out. Crying is a good way to release built-up tension and let out some of the sadness that is building up inside of you. I’ve seen many people hold back their tears for fear of appearing weak and I find that later down the road, these types of people always seem to break down. Pain is like rage: the more you keep it inside, the more it will build up and hinder you later down the road. Cry your heart out if you need to and it’s important to understand that this is a healthy behavior. Almost everybody I’ve ever met that’s encountered a breakup has cried. It’s part of the healing process for many people.

This next tip may sound cliché, but I’ve seen it do wonders with many people. Create playlist of break-up songs and listen to it. Hearing the words that describe another person’s pain can allow you to see that you’re not alone. There’s no denying that music can have a therapeutic effect, and, when it comes to breaking up, I believe that it can hasten the path to getting over a broken heart. It can reduce the pain you’re feeling on the inside and allow you connect with the lyrics and relieve your stress levels. Get online and look up a list of break-up songs and listen to them. I also recommend that you start with songs that focus on the initial heart-break and then move on to songs that are about moving on after a broken heart. Use the music and connect with it, it might help you more than you think.

Talking it out is extremely important. They say that everybody needs friends, right? Of course they do. Talk about the circumstances of your break-up with your friends and get their perspective. Sometimes the words of a friend can lift your heart. It also lets you see that there are still people that love and care about you all around you. During a break-up, it’s smart to be around your friends and talk with them about how you’re feeling. Chances are, they have felt the same way at one time or another. Going back and forth in conversation can aid the recovering process.

This is a very good strategy that I’ve seen many people, especially girls, use after a break-up. Get out a piece of paper and create 2 columns. In the first, write down all the things that you didn’t like about your relationship. Use everything you can think of. Think of times during the relationship when you were not happy with something that occurred and write it down. Use all the anger and sadness inside of you to think of stuff to list. In the second column, write down all the good parts of the relationship or the things that you will miss most about that person. Usually, it seems to me, that the ‘bad parts’ of the relationships outweigh the good. Not only does this exercise allow you to vent feelings, it can also be eye-opening for many people. Perhaps the relationship wasn’t as good as you thought it was to begin with.

You have to stop living in the past. Get rid of objects that remind you of that person or else you will only find yourself staring at them. Stop lingering around your phone waiting on a text message or a phone call from that person. Accept that the relationship is over. Don’t get online and check out their social networking sites, this will only make you think about them more. I even had a friend who would continually drive past his ex-girlfriend’s house. Don’t do this! You’re only putting yourself through more misery. Let that person go and this means letting go of all ties to that person. Don’t stalk or cyber-stalk them and don’t’ hope for communication with them.

Get out and do something fun! Get your friends together and create a plan for the night. Go to the movies, go shopping or go out for a night on the town. You can’t expect to get over somebody by sitting in your house. Get out there and meet new people. I’m not saying go out and find a rebound, but do go out and have a good time. Most of the time, your friends will be more than happy to get your mind off your ex. Have them brainstorm ideas for you. You may be surprised with what they come up with.

Use happiness that exists in other parts of your life as a means to get over an ex. What are your hobbies? What do you like to do? Say you like to spend time outside, do it! Get out there and enjoy nature or participate in any other hobby that you like. I’ve even seen people pick up hobbies after a break-up. Did you like painting when you were younger but never got into it? Start painting. Think of anything you’ve always wanted to do and do it. Starting a new hobby is a great way to get your mind off of somebody. Also, spend time with your friends and family. It always helps to be surrounded by people who love you.

Break-ups hurt, no matter which way you look at it. But, you will get over this. Use the tips that I mentioned and don’t linger on the past. And, always remember that it will get better.

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How To Break The News Of Your Divorce To Your Small Children

This way, children will learn that honesty is a good thing and that it is all right to talk about problems.

Talking to children about a divorce is never easy. How much they understand will depend on how young they are at the time, so tell them things they are capable of understanding, and don’t confuse them with the complications. Whatever the age, the essence of your message should be the same: “Mommy and Daddy loved each other and were happy, but now they think they can be happier living apart. What happened between them is not your fault and they will always be there to take care of you and love you.”

The following suggestions will help you make it easier for the children as well as for yourself:

Don’t wait till the last minute to tell them about the divorce, or they will be unprepared.

Both parents should be together when they tell the children about the divorce.

Be straightforward and explain in simple language.

Tell your kids that the divorce is not their fault. This is very important.

Admit that both of you have problems and that the divorce will sadden and upset everyone.

Reassure your children that both of you will always love them, and will always be their parents.

Don’t involve the children in your discussions about the divorce, and don’t discuss the details of your problems before them.

Don’t tell them about each other’s faults.

Don’t encourage them to take sides.

Don’t fight before them.

When a divorce involves school-going children between the ages of 6 and 8, each parent must spend individual time with the children to reassure them of their love. Children at this age are very keen about fairness. They want to spend time with both parents. Yet, they also want to know who is to blame for the divorce.

Your children may express their despair through anger, sadness or aggressiveness. They may develop problems with their school-work, become bullies, or have problems with their friendships. Their stress may manifest in stomach upsets, nightmares, headaches, sleeplessness, etc. They may get overtly fussy, throw tantrums and even revert to baby behaviour such as thumb-sucking and bed-wetting. These are signs of distress, and it will be wise to consult with a child psychiatrist who will also help you learn how to handle your children when they are upset, and how to reduce the strain of divorce on the family.

Younger children may try their best to reunite their parents, but you need to show them the reality of the situation as gently as possible so that they accept and understand. To do this, each parent must separately spend time with them, and show them that they are no longer a couple. This will not guarantee that children will forgo their hopes of reunification. This is something they will continue to think about for years to come.

What if your children don’t react at all? Tell them you can talk about it another time.

It’s important for you to frequently remind your children that they are not to blame for the break-up or the unhappiness of their parents. Children tend to believe that the divorce is their fault. If they cry, let them, but make sure to hold them and comfort them.

If your children ask you questions about the divorce, answer them honestly. Give them enough information so that they are prepared for the changes ahead, without frightening them. They might want to know:

Who will they live with?

Where will the non-custodial parent live?

Will they have to move or change their school?

Will they still be able to meet their friends?

Will they be able to keep their pets?

they still go to summer camp?

Finally, children will do best if they know that their parents are getting along well with each other despite their problems. Don’t get drawn into arguments, or try to seek revenge by denying your spouse visitation rights. It will only hurt your children who need both of you. After all, you and your spouse are karmically bonded by your children; you may as well learn to be pleasant with each other.

James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. If you would like more information on how to get a quickie Divorce see www.quickie-divorce.com